Welcome to Campus Living 101: The Roommate. Note: If you are an only child, pay close attention. This is a crash course on how to establish a peaceful and productive living environment -- ensuring that you and your roommates have fun and get along.
Imagine you are faced with the following scenario:
It's the middle of the night and your roommate is being intimate with a "guest." Squeaking springs and other sound effects are keeping you awake. To make matters worse, you live in a one-room double. Why is this happening? There are two possibilities: (1) He/she thinks you are asleep, which is implausible given all the commotion, or (2) he/she doesn't care, which is worse.
Either way, you have a problem. You lie there quietly and try to ignore the noise. The next day, in private, you tell your roommate that such nocturnal extracurricular activities are keeping you awake.
Your roommate tells you to loosen up and deal with it.
A problem of this magnitude will likely require a mediation by a resident adviser or even a residence hall director. "Such conflicts," writes William Warters, editor of The Conflict Management in Higher Education Report, "can actually provide some good learning opportunities, and can open up stuck relationships."
While some conflict is inevitable, there is often no need for problems to escalate to mediation levels. Before a problem like this arises, you and your roommate should take some proactive steps to establish and maintain the peace.
Try to see things from your roommate's point of view. Dr. Claire Albright, a clinical psychologist and author of 85 Secrets for Improving Your Communication Skills, suggests a "mirroring technique," in which you repeat aloud what someone is saying to you as a means of understanding a disagreement. "This mirroring technique," she writes, "can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view." In practice, it is not always as easy as "do unto others." What you would want for yourself might be the last thing your roommate might want.
Case in point: You might not mind sharing clothes with your roommate, but your roommate doesn't want to share with you. Even though you'd be fine if he/she borrowed your clothes, you don't have free reign to raid his/her closet.
Here's some homework: To get along with your roommate, it is essential you take a moment to self-evaluate. Ask yourself the following questions: Are you open or obsessive? Are you a slob? Do you play loud music? Do you keep to yourself or are you cliquey? Do you spend hours and hours on the phone? Do you share your personal belongings with others, and do you borrow things without asking? Are you a morning person or a night owl? Do you spend a lot of time on the Internet? Are you downloading porn or researching? Do you listen to NPR or Rush Limbaugh? Do you accept lifestyles different from your own? (Be honest! If you are a progressive pro-choice, pierced, liberal-minded free spirit could you really tolerate a Mormon roommate?) Are you close with your parents? Do you drink? Take drugs? Smoke? Did you fill out a non-smoking Residence Life application to hide your habit from your parents? Do you intend to go away on weekends? Do you have a long-distance relationship? Do you have lots of relationships? Will you be having many visitors to the room? Do you study in the library? Do you intend to earn straight As? What do you expect from your roommate?
A thorough personal assessment allows you to realize that living with someone like you is no easy task.
Now that you know a little something about yourself, it is important to have a candid discussion with your roommate before problems develop. Fostering an open atmosphere in your living space could help you avoid the painful experience of conflict.
Communicating up front also allows you to get to know your roommate, and to develop a respectful rapport with him/her. You don't have to be friends, necessarily. But, being cordial makes things much easier in the long run.
Some major issues to consider include: Study time/sleep time and conditions (music/TV on, lights on, noise level), guests (sleeping over, weekends, loungers), personal property (sharing, permission, usage -- especially of computer), telephone (messages, call-waiting, excessive use, privacy expectations when on a call, how much information to give out to callers), cleanliness (how clean, shared duties, duty wheel) and sundry (locking the door, storage, parties, room temperature, private time, sleeping). There is no issue too small to ignite a major dispute.
It really does behoove everyone to get on the same page from the outset. By the time things have gone too far, it is hard to find common ground. By agreeing on some ground rules, you have created a strong foundation of mutual understanding and cooperation from which to build your new living arrangement. Or, it will at least help you weather a few of the tsunamis that are bound to arise when you put strangers in a small space and add the daily stress of college life.
Remember, the keys to making all of this work are communication and flexibility. If worse comes to worst, seek the outside help of a peer counselor, mediation services or your R.A.
Gabriel Wardell lived in residence halls for nine years from high school through graduate school and was an R.A., peer counselor, or proctor, living in a spacious single room free of charge, for more than half that time. During the other four years, he survived three roommates.
Imagine you are faced with the following scenario:
It's the middle of the night and your roommate is being intimate with a "guest." Squeaking springs and other sound effects are keeping you awake. To make matters worse, you live in a one-room double. Why is this happening? There are two possibilities: (1) He/she thinks you are asleep, which is implausible given all the commotion, or (2) he/she doesn't care, which is worse.
Either way, you have a problem. You lie there quietly and try to ignore the noise. The next day, in private, you tell your roommate that such nocturnal extracurricular activities are keeping you awake.
Your roommate tells you to loosen up and deal with it.
A problem of this magnitude will likely require a mediation by a resident adviser or even a residence hall director. "Such conflicts," writes William Warters, editor of The Conflict Management in Higher Education Report, "can actually provide some good learning opportunities, and can open up stuck relationships."
While some conflict is inevitable, there is often no need for problems to escalate to mediation levels. Before a problem like this arises, you and your roommate should take some proactive steps to establish and maintain the peace.
Try to see things from your roommate's point of view. Dr. Claire Albright, a clinical psychologist and author of 85 Secrets for Improving Your Communication Skills, suggests a "mirroring technique," in which you repeat aloud what someone is saying to you as a means of understanding a disagreement. "This mirroring technique," she writes, "can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view." In practice, it is not always as easy as "do unto others." What you would want for yourself might be the last thing your roommate might want.
Case in point: You might not mind sharing clothes with your roommate, but your roommate doesn't want to share with you. Even though you'd be fine if he/she borrowed your clothes, you don't have free reign to raid his/her closet.
Here's some homework: To get along with your roommate, it is essential you take a moment to self-evaluate. Ask yourself the following questions: Are you open or obsessive? Are you a slob? Do you play loud music? Do you keep to yourself or are you cliquey? Do you spend hours and hours on the phone? Do you share your personal belongings with others, and do you borrow things without asking? Are you a morning person or a night owl? Do you spend a lot of time on the Internet? Are you downloading porn or researching? Do you listen to NPR or Rush Limbaugh? Do you accept lifestyles different from your own? (Be honest! If you are a progressive pro-choice, pierced, liberal-minded free spirit could you really tolerate a Mormon roommate?) Are you close with your parents? Do you drink? Take drugs? Smoke? Did you fill out a non-smoking Residence Life application to hide your habit from your parents? Do you intend to go away on weekends? Do you have a long-distance relationship? Do you have lots of relationships? Will you be having many visitors to the room? Do you study in the library? Do you intend to earn straight As? What do you expect from your roommate?
A thorough personal assessment allows you to realize that living with someone like you is no easy task.
Now that you know a little something about yourself, it is important to have a candid discussion with your roommate before problems develop. Fostering an open atmosphere in your living space could help you avoid the painful experience of conflict.
Communicating up front also allows you to get to know your roommate, and to develop a respectful rapport with him/her. You don't have to be friends, necessarily. But, being cordial makes things much easier in the long run.
Some major issues to consider include: Study time/sleep time and conditions (music/TV on, lights on, noise level), guests (sleeping over, weekends, loungers), personal property (sharing, permission, usage -- especially of computer), telephone (messages, call-waiting, excessive use, privacy expectations when on a call, how much information to give out to callers), cleanliness (how clean, shared duties, duty wheel) and sundry (locking the door, storage, parties, room temperature, private time, sleeping). There is no issue too small to ignite a major dispute.
It really does behoove everyone to get on the same page from the outset. By the time things have gone too far, it is hard to find common ground. By agreeing on some ground rules, you have created a strong foundation of mutual understanding and cooperation from which to build your new living arrangement. Or, it will at least help you weather a few of the tsunamis that are bound to arise when you put strangers in a small space and add the daily stress of college life.
Remember, the keys to making all of this work are communication and flexibility. If worse comes to worst, seek the outside help of a peer counselor, mediation services or your R.A.
Gabriel Wardell lived in residence halls for nine years from high school through graduate school and was an R.A., peer counselor, or proctor, living in a spacious single room free of charge, for more than half that time. During the other four years, he survived three roommates.