PLAYED BY: Ty Burrell LESSON LEARNED: Empathy IN HIS WORDS: "In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female ... bear, giraffe, what have you ... the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it."