Baltimore predictions that will totally (OK, maybe) happen in 2015

Ah, the new year — better known as the time when all those cliche stories appear in print and online. You know: New Year's resolutions, making sure the 2015 you isn't as depressing as the 2014 you ... the AWESOME things you MUST experience in the new year.

Etc., etc., etc.


Oh, and don't forget those countless "2015 predictions" stories where pundits pretend to have a full grasp of exactly what will happen in politics, sports, movies, TV and what kind of car your neighbors will buy.

So in that spirit, here's our take on 40 things definitely in store for Baltimore in 2015. We hope.


1. Still high on the buzz created by the release of the HD versions of "The Wire," HBO partners with John Waters for an HD Odorama edition of the series, so hi-def you smell the Jameson on McNulty's breath.

2. Trying to capitalize on the success of CrossFit/BeachBody/BeachFit, YoBootyNeedsHelpFit opens its doors downtown to rave reviews.

3. A "Baltimore: the 4th Ugliest City in America" calendar is unveiled, which is really just a collection of really, really drunk Federal Hillbillies at 3 a.m.

4. A search for the cast and crew of "Veep" takes three days after they get lost failing to find "Blair Road" — instead of Belair Road — for production.

5. "House of Cards" decides to go on location in West Baltimore, asking locals where the best places to "shoot scenes" are. An extremely unfortunate idiomatic misunderstanding ensues.

6. The TV series "Drugs Inc." returns to Baltimore to investigate Baltimore's inherent vice for farm-to-table restaurants.

7. The next "Serial" case will try to solve the mystery of Edgar Allan Poe's death, but it'll end in predictable-yet-frustrating ambiguity.

8. The story of Chris Davis and his co-star, Adderall, will be featured in a relaunch of the once-popular "After-School Special" series.


9. Royal Farms Arena will wise up and finally serve its namesake's fried chicken. (Seriously, make this happen, RoFo.)

10. Inspired by Dennis Rodman, President Obama will send the dynamic duo of Ray Rice and Condoleezza Rice to get to the bottom of this whole North Korea thing.

11. Someone will remind someone who didn't ask that National Bohemian is no longer brewed in Baltimore.

12. Future Islands' singer Sam Herring will consider a run on "Dancing With the Stars."

13. John Waters will pop up, dapperly dressed, at a local event when you least expect him.

14. Chaps Pit Beef and its neighbor, Gentlemen's Gold Club, will finally join forces to create the most unforgettable dining experience the city has ever seen.


15. Michael Phelps will only make headlines for professional acts. Um, in four years or so.

16. Hampden's Miracle on 34th Street will be canceled not because of public safety issues but because of BGE's fourth rate increase in four years.

17. Captain Chesapeake will come out in support of local weed legalization; start applications for Clubhouse Pot membership card, cable access smoke sesh.

18. Although detractors cite the poor as evidence that a city bag tax is unfair, local bums shrug, stating that they've been brown bagging it for years.

19. Canton will petition the Baltimore City Council to change its name to Stepford.

20. Inspired by the store's partnership with "Scandal," Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake will team with The Limited for a "Dress like the World's Best-Dressed Mayor" clothing line. Collection is 80 percent colorful coats.


21. Following the lead of the Baltimore Book Festival and WTMD's First Thursdays concerts, Mount Vernon announces the move of the Washington Monument to a place in town where it will get more exposure.

22. Hoping to garner as many female groupies as former Gov. Martin O'Malley, Larry Hogan will front his own boy band, Hogan's Heroes.

23. Not to be left out, male support for Hogan will skyrocket when, during his inauguration, Hogan saunters on stage to "Real American," body slams O'Malley and delivers his now-infamous "Whatcha Gonna Do, Brother?" speech.

24. Upon reinstatement to the league, Haloti Ngata will score a five-commercial deal with Royal Farms to endorse PEC: Performance-Enhancing Chicken.

25. The repairs of the 26th Street collapse will lead to the discovery of a frozen cav-man who thaws, then dives headfirst into 21st-century living as a skateboarding "Estonian exchange student."

26. Speaking of which, Dan Deacon will announce that his project will be a concept album about the Great Baltimore Don't-Call-It-A-Sinkhole Landslide of 2014. Interactive listener elements TBA.


27. Baltimore tourism officials decide to change the city's theme song to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons in an optimistic spin on last summer's 3 million-gallon sewage overflow.

28. The northern winds will carry the most wicked contact buzz from marijuana-blazing D.C.; consequently, the Taco Bell drive-through on U.S. 40 will become the most successful franchise in the United States.

29. In keeping with recent Orioles tradition, the most frequently heard comment on Opening Day will be, "Who's playing [insert field position here]?"

30. Moving off the after-dark streets of Federal Hill and Canton, Baltimore's randomly off-hours ice cream trucks will be reborn as the "Shady Ice Cream Truck," finally joining the elite ranks of the Baltimore food truck Gatherings.

31. Cash-strapped and inspired by Uber, the Charm City Circulator's fare will go up to $1.50 on normal days, $362 during holidays and special events.

32. O'Malley's surprise choice for vice presidential running mate: Buck Showalter.


33: Two months later, Showalter exits the ticket, noting his desire to stop smiling at campaign events. Hillary Clinton will then select O'Malley as her running mate, citing his gun control policy as a major factor. New slogan: "Sun's out, my gun's out. And by guns, we mean O'Malley's biceps."

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34. Taking advantage of the 800-pound steer who paraded around last summer for a few miles, the city announces a Running with the Bulls festival. It will prove to generate more money and somehow be less dangerous than the Baltimore Grand Prix.

35. In a desperate attempt to milk the War of 1812 bicentennial for all it's worth, city officials will announce "More stuff happened in 1815: The Star-Spangled Spectacular Squeakquel." It will go on for eight months.

36. Celebrating his status as the only Harbaugh in the NFL, John Harbaugh demands players refer to him as The Hardest. It does not go over well.

37. As a twist on Baltimore's hip-waiters-wear-plaid trend, a restaurant called Plaid opens in Remington, where, ironically, it's totally uncool to wear plaid.

38. National outlets will continue to praise Baltimore's music scene, even though no one can still accurately describe its "sound."


39. An awkwardly named horse will follow a win at the Kentucky Derby with a Preakness victory … before falling short of the Triple Crown. Because horse racing hates us.

40. Bands your parents were really stoked about decades ago will play Pier Six Pavilion.