What the (BLEEP) just happened? Rex Huppke’s ‘Week In Review’

Ald. Edward Burke, 14th, speaks at a City Council meeting in Chicago on May 29, 2019. Shortly after, Mayor Lori Lightfoot cut him off and said, "Alderman, please. Alderman, I will call you when I'm ready to hear from you."

It’s the end of another news-rich week, and I, without any help from the Russian government, must ask again: What the (BLEEP) just happened?

Democrats really, really, really need to impeach the president


For more on this, see the next item.

Mueller speaks, Trump freaks


Special counsel Robert Mueller finally spoke out about his 400-plus-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election and, not surprisingly, Americans who haven’t been brainwashed by President Donald Trump’s rhythmic lying heard one thing while Trump and his followers heard another.

Perhaps frustrated that a majority of the country is unwilling to read more than a tweet or two at a time, Mueller summarized — out loud, like a podcast! — the key results of his investigation, which were: Russia very much, definitely, absolutely interfered in the 2016 election in an effort to help get Trump elected; there was “insufficient evidence” to show a conspiracy between the Trump campaign and the Russians; DOJ rules prohibited him from reaching a conclusion about whether the president committed a crime; and, most importantly, “If we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so.” (SPOILER ALERT: They didn’t say so.)

This all served to dramatically undercut Trump’s, and his (very dishonest) attorney general’s, interpretation of Mueller’s findings, which was essentially: NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION! CRAM IT!

Mueller’s press conference appeared to further break the duct-tape-and-bubble-gum-patched remnants of Trump’s brain, and by Thursday morning he was again attacking Mueller (which is odd, since Trump is saying Mueller exonerated him) and calling Mueller’s team “some of the worst human beings on Earth.”

Early Thursday, the president sent a tweet in which, for the first time, he acknowledged that Russia helped him get elected in 2016, writing: “I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected.” Hours later, with that tweet still posted, Trump said the exact opposite to reporters on the White House lawn: “Russia didn’t help me at all.” (Please refer to my earlier description of the president’s broken brain.)

Trump then went on to demonstrate his utter disregard for knowledge by saying he doesn’t see how Congress could impeach him because he “can’t imagine the courts allowing it.” The president clearly hasn’t the foggiest idea how impeachment works.

Hopefully he’ll soon learn.

Mayor Lightfoot opens can of shut-the-hell-up right in chatty alderman’s face


Mayor Lori Lightfoot swept into her first City Council meeting and lived the dream by effectively telling Ald. Edward Burke he should be seen and not heard.

Prior to a vote on a package of City Council rules, Burke tried to stall the vote by complaining that the rules were not written using gender-neutral pronouns.

Lightfoot cut him off and said they would move forward with the vote, then when he interrupted again, she said: “Alderman, I will call you when I’m ready to hear from you.”

Sadly, the council chambers did not have an appropriate number of microphones for Lightfoot to drop after that comment.

Stupid white supremacists keep ruining yearbooks

The once-innocuous hand gesture for “OK” has been co-opted by a bunch of idiot white supremacist loser-dorks, causing at least two Chicago-area high schools to reprint their yearbooks to get rid of pictures of kids flashing the sign.


Chicago’s Walter Payton College Prep announced in a letter Wednesday that it’s paying more than $22,000 to redo yearbooks after the OK sign appeared in six photos. Oak Park and River Forest High School officials previously said they’re shelling out more than $50,000 to reprint yearbooks so they’re OK-free.

An Oak Park middle school is facing similar problems and is debating how to move forward.

It seems the OK signs flashed by students have nothing to do with white supremacism, but rather are part of an innocent kid thing called the “circle game” — which is probably pretty stupid in its own right but not even remotely as jaw-droppingly stupid as white supremacism.

In his letter to faculty and parents, Walter Payton Principal Tim Devine wrote: “Our school resources and official publication will not be the home to symbology that is now being associated with white supremacy.”

School officials also worry that no matter how innocent the OK-symbol-flashing might be, the students could be accused of flashing a white supremacy sign, and that might endanger them.

If you have a problem with any of this, don’t blame the schools for being overly sensitive. Blame the white supremacists for being overly stupid and horrible.


Riot Fest lineup announced! Huge news for fans of the Anal Quarks!

This year makes the 15th anniversary of Riot Fest, the annual Douglas Park musical festival that features large throngs of sweaty people and loud noises interspersed with dancing, occasional vomiting and dancing on vomit.

The Riot Fest lineup was announced and includes: Slayer; Blink-182; The Cheese Mops; Die Antwoord; Blink-183; Bikini Kill; The Ewoks Were Right; Ween; Turkey Baster Troubles; Tangible Tangerines; Patti Smith; and Conveyance of Farts. (I made up six of those band names. You figure out which ones.)