This Sunday is Father’s Day, the one day a year when men are given some recognition and allowed to feel like they’re important.
Everyone knows that to properly honor the oft-marginalized men in your life, you must give them presents. That’s just Capitalism 101.
The problem is, if you try Googling “best Father’s Day gifts” or “Father’s Day gift guide,” your computer explodes in a burst of whiskey stones, craft-beer bottle caps and artisanal shaving cream. (Fun fact: No one actually knows what a “whiskey stone” is, but you’re constitutionally banned from being a father in the United States unless you own several of them.)
To help people in their quest to find the perfect gift that says, “Here is an approximate dollar amount that I love you, Dad,” I have put together this short list of gifts guaranteed to please:
Political Noise-Canceling Headphones
This comfortable and stylish headset comes equipped with state-of-the-art targeted noise-canceling technology that can be adjusted to conform to the user’s political leaning.
Is your dad a liberal? Just set the switch to “LIB” and your dad has himself a pair of Trump-canceling headphones that filter out only the sound of President Donald Trump’s voice. (For an added monthly fee, the headphones will also cancel out Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Tucker Carlson.)
If your father is a conservative, flip the switch to “CON” and the device becomes everything-but-Trump-canceling headphones, allowing the wearer to hear only the words of the president.
If dad is an independent, move the switch to “IND” and the headphones cancel out everything while a faint computerized voice repeats the phrase, “Sure, keep tellin’ yourself that, buddy.”
3-in-1 Purposeless Tool
This is the perfect gift for dads who say they like tools but never actually use them.
Nothing’s more awkward for a dad than getting a handy tool for Father’s Day and then being asked a year later how he liked that tool.
“Hey, Dad, have you used that cordless power drill I got you last year?”
“Uhhhh, well. No, I actually haven’t used it yet, but I love it. Ummmm. You know, it’s one of those things where when I need it, I’ll be glad I have it!”
No dad should have to go through that. A dad should be allowed to say he likes tools without bearing the responsibility of actually using tools.
That’s why the 3-in-1 Purposeless Tool was made. It’s designed to do three different non-things, none of which requires the owner to actually use the tool.
Crafted from stainless steel and military-grade plastic, the tool can: sit in a drawer, making sure everything in the drawer is behaving itself; hang on a rack above a workbench that is also never used; or be placed in the glove compartment of dad’s car so it looks like he always keeps a tool handy in case there’s a problem with the car’s engine thingy or whatever.
The 3-in-1 Purposeless Tool — Dad won’t use it, and that’s exactly the point.
Father’s Day Cliche Subscription Boxes
Struggling to choose between the aforementioned whiskey stones and something relating to golf? Why not treat dad to a year’s worth of monthly gifts that say, “Dad, here’s a thing the internet told me you would probably like.”
Yes, with Father’s Day Cliche Subscription Boxes, each month will bring your dad something an algorithm or a bunch of random people decided your dad should like.
One month might bring a six-pack of craft beer with names like “Purple Dog Sauce,” “Cosmic Yarn Gargling” or “Flippant Berry Insouciance IPA.” They’ll all be made by edgy men with thick-framed glasses, tattoos and unnecessary facial hair, and they’ll taste vaguely like licking a wet stalk of wheat while someone rolls their eyes at you.
Another month could feature a USB-connected turntable Dad can use to play all the vinyl records he had to get rid of shortly after you were born to make space in the spare room that became your room, not that he’s bitter about that or anything. Or a Bluetooth speaker you can tell Dad to please turn off because you don’t like his music and your friends are over and it’s embarrassing.
Other monthly surprises include: a set of whiskey glasses; bourbon-infused maple syrup; a beer bottle opener shaped like a baseball bat; a home-brewing kit; and a GPS that helps Dad find the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, because your gifts have made him worry that he has a drinking problem.
Ideological Grill Kits
All dads love to grill, according to the internet, so all dads will love a gift that involves grilling paraphernalia.
Ideological Grill Kits come in two styles: the National Rifle Association Kill-n-Grill set and the Humane Griller’s Soy-licious Barbecue set.
The Kill-n-Grill comes with a loaded hunting rifle and pictures of grillable animals so the user knows what to shoot at. It also eliminates the need for “soft grilling tools” like spatulas, providing several smaller handguns — which fit into NRA-licensed apron holsters — that dad can use to shoot-flip slabs of meat for nice, even grilling and proper meat ventilation.
The Soy-licious set is made with the veggie burger connoisseur in mind. It comes with a recipe book and a self-hypnosis course that allows Dad to convince himself that veggie burgers taste good.
The set also provides “veg-friendly” grilling tools with carefully rounded tips that won’t injure anything you’re cooking and a spatula that empowers veggie burgers to flip themselves.
Good luck with your shopping. And Happy Father’s Day to all my fellow whiskey stone owners.