What the (BLEEP) just happened? Rex Huppke's 'Week in Review'

Protesters dressed as handmaids take part in an April demonstration at the Alabama State House in Montgomery against legislation tightening abortion restrictions.

Another week is in the books, and I’m hunkered in my news bunker, hollering into the fan: What the (BLEEP) just happened?

Busy week for men deciding what women have a right to do


The nation’s most far-reaching ban on abortion was passed this week by 25 members of the Alabama Senate who all have one thing in common: a penis!

On Tuesday, these non-uterus-having lawmakers passed what amounts to an all-out ban on abortion in Alabama, a law clearly aimed at getting the issue before the U.S. Supreme Court with the hope of overturning Roe v. Wade.


Missouri’s Republican-led Senate quickly followed suit with a bill that bans abortion at eight weeks of pregnancy. If the GOP-led House in Missouri approves the bill, it will go to Republican Gov. Mike Parson.

Ladies, please try to keep your protesting to a minimum so you don’t distract the men who are busy deciding what you can do with your bodies.

Revenue at Trump’s Chicago hotel drops — YAY!

The Washington Post reported this week that revenue at President Donald Trump’s big Chicago hotel has dropped since he became president, and the Trump Organization knows exactly why: GUN VIOLENCE!

In a statement, Trump Organization officials said: “It’s sad to say, but the perceived threat of gun violence has harmed visitation to the destination.” Yes, everyone who lives in Chicago knows just how dangerous it is along the Chicago River, just blocks from the blood-soaked sidewalks of Michigan Avenue.

The Post noted that “the company’s own figures — submitted to Cook County, Ill., for tax purposes, and also given to Trump’s investors — show Trump’s competitors in Chicago have not experienced the same decline.” Boy, whoever put those figures together should be fired immediately.

Could it be that revenue is down at Trump’s Chicago hotel because a majority of Americans would sooner stick their face in a fan than give money to a man who has made the nation’s racists and xenophobes feel like they’re the cool kids?

No, must just be the mean streets of the Near North neighborhood.


Elizabeth Warren tells Fox News to Fox off

Speaking of making the nation’s racists and xenophobes feel like they’re the cool kids — Fox News!

Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren continued to run circles around her fellow candidates this week by telling your zany uncle’s favorite “news” network to kiss her progressive butt.

Warren announced that she won’t take part in any televised Fox News town halls because the network is “a hate-for-profit racket that gives a megaphone to racists and conspiracists.” That angered the racists and conspiracists who use Fox News as a megaphone, as well as the people who don’t want to accept that the network they love is profiting from pumping them full of unfounded and often comically ridiculous fear.

Warren welcomed Fox News to come to her public events or ask her questions when she’s out campaigning, but the network’s audience might not respond well to carefully thought-out policy ideas delivered in a nonscreaming manner.

Mayor of Sandwich does the right thing after doing the wrong thing


The state of American politics is so knee-deep in the sewer right now that a 66-year-old mayor busted for soliciting a prostitute managed to come off as borderline heroic.

Mayor Rick Olson of Sandwich, Ill., who served as the city’s police chief for 16 years before becoming mayor, was charged with soliciting a sexual act from a prostitute in LaSalle County. On Monday, he resigned and offered a statement of remorse, saying he hopes to “spare any additional dishonor to that office.”

“I sincerely apologize for the shame I have brought and I pray that the city will continue to prosper,” Olson wrote.

He didn’t deny the charges. He didn’t yell “Fake News!” or blame someone else. He resigned immediately.

In this day and age, that’s the kind of character we need from a leader. Except for the whole “soliciting a prostitute” part, of course.

Mick Jagger still somehow healthier than the rest of us


The Rolling Stones, a popular rock group formed in the late 1800s, announced this week that the band will kick off a North American tour here in Chicago on June 21 and 25.

The tour was postponed after lead singer Mick Jagger was treated for a heart issue. To confirm his health this week, Jagger posted a video of himself dancing energetically and generally making people like me feel like we’ve made some terrible life decisions.

In related news, the Chicago production of “Hamilton” — a musical about founding father Alexander Hamilton, a contemporary of Jagger’s — announced it will close Jan. 5.

President pardons crook who says nice things about the president

Conrad Black, noted dirtbag, disgraced media mogul and former executive of the Chicago Sun-Times’ parent company, was given a full pardon Wednesday by President Donald Trump.

The pardon definitely had nothing to do with the book Black wrote last year titled: “Donald J. Trump: A President Like No Other.” Nope, those two things are for sure not connected.


Trump simply recognized that Black’s looting of Hollinger International, then one of the world’s largest newspaper companies, to the tune of $32 million was an honest mistake.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be robbing a bank and then completing my manuscript of “Donald J. Trump: An American President with Enormous Hands.”