Mr. Wrong: The sweetness is my weakness

Man, I was having myself a pretty good 2016 A.D. until Our Government stomped its hobnailed jackboot down upon my throat (OK, more accurately in front of my food-hole) with the latest addendum to "Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2015-2020," which goes into excruciating detail, with charts and graphs and stuff, all about how Americans like you and me (well, me for sure, I have not seen your Identity Card) need to eat Healthy, blergh!

I mean, again, I dunno about you, but I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I'm trying, for real. I take a nice walk every day and I am gonna buy one of those "standing desk" contraptions to work in front of at my Day Job, and I even cut back on my prodigious consumption of soda pop, mostly because once I started drinking so-called Mexican Coke—which has sugar in it instead of high-fructose corn syrup—I got grossed out by regular soda pop, even my beloved Mountain Dew, which I had already cut way back on due to the continued presence of brominated vegetable oil (BVO) in the Ingredients of the Dew. I mean, for real, I saw on the Internet, this BVO shit has been used as a Flame Retardant, and it is in some of my fave soda pop flavors. Along with the aforementioned Mountain Dew—not to be confused with Mount Dewe, a real mountain, according to Wikipedia, who knew?—and Orange Fanta, they (and you know who They are) used to put it in Fresca, which is the only Diet soda pop I can tolerate. Apparently Coke and Pepsi are gonna take the brominated vegetable oil out of all their drinks, but last time I looked up the Ingredients to Mountain Dew on Wikipedia it still had the BVO in it. Fresca with iced tea, though, that's very refreshing.


Getting back to Our Government we (The People) are now supposed to be healthier by not eating so much sugar, and like I said, I could stand to drop a few, but I don't think I can go for that, as in No Can Do, or even Dew. If you eat 2,000 calories, which, according to the Web site, is what somebody my size of 200 pounds, give or take (and I'll take another 10 pounds, thanks), and shape (round is a shape), and activity level is supposed to consume, then that means 10 percent recommended "added sugar" intake equals like, one 12-ounce can of Coke, 140 calories, plus probably half the sugar I put in a cuppa coffee! Ack! And I know, is sorta connected to that guy who cheats at bike riding, but whatever, he beat Cancer.

The website teaches us: "Specific examples of added sugars that can be listed as an ingredient include brown sugar, corn sweetener, corn syrup, dextrose, fructose, glucose, high-fructose corn syrup, honey, invert sugar, lactose, malt syrup, maltose, molasses, raw sugar, sucrose, trehalose, and turbinado sugar." Now c'mon, man, how many people out there thought they were doing themselves a Solid, health wise, when they put some honey in their hot tea? Me, for sure! I love hot tea with honey! I thought it was totally better and healthier than putting regular sugar in it, but now my Government is telling me I'm not doing my gut any favors when I dump honey into my Constant Comment! What am I supposed to do, drink it without anything in it? Do you know what tea tastes like without honey in it? It tastes like you took some leaves off a tree and boiled the shit outta them and then poured off the liquid into a cup! Feh! I can't drink that!

Plus, I gotta have sugar in my coffee! I can't drink coffee black unless it's really, really good, and really good Iced coffee, which is what I do in the Summer because I like to get a nice Iced coffee and have it with some ice cream, oh man, that's so good on a hot day, but now, thanks to the Government, I'm supposed to not have ice cream! It's "empty calories"! Look at the following depressing info from and try not to kill yourself, because, I mean, what is the point of living?

"Solid fats and added sugars can make a food or beverage more appealing, but they also can add a lot of calories. The foods and beverages that provide the most empty calories for Americans are:

•Cakes, cookies, pastries, and donuts (contain both solid fat and added sugars)

•Sodas, energy drinks, sports drinks, and fruit drinks (contain added sugars)

•Cheese (contains solid fat)

•Pizza (contains solid fat)

•Ice cream (contains both solid fat and added sugars)

•Sausages, hot dogs, bacon, and ribs (contain solid fat)"

OK, I can turn my back on cake and cookies and stuff, and I'm already trying to drink less soda pop, and I don't think I eat too much cheese, I mean, I always make sure I don't have it when I'm at the diner and I order, like, some scrambled eggs and they ask me if I want cheese in 'em, and I always make sure the restaurant doesn't put cheese on my tossed salad, because the only reason I am eating a goddamn stupid fucking tossed salad is because I can't just eat a hunk of cheese, because I need to trim down a little, and I can probably cut way back on ice cream and eat a piece of stupid fucking healthy fruit or something, and I know Meat is Murder, but: pizza! How can I be expected to live a life of less pizza?!? I swear this makes me want to fight the Government on this and join the Tea Party, but that would just make me want some honey.


Mail: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278