This episode of Baltimore's Most Inebriated Alternative Weekly is all about the Alcohol, "booze," if you will, and also at the same time about David Bowie, who is a famous popular musician, even though he is recently deceased, that's how good he is at being David Bowie. Accordingly, this iteration of The Mr. Wrong Column, ever seeking to be in perfect Harmony with Theme(s), will be all about that stuff, enjoying hooch and David Bowie, good times.

So, R.I.P. Mr. David Bowie, my fave song of yours is 'Fashion,' and whenever I am in a bar that has a jukebox that will allow it, I play this song, beep-beep. That's from the song, which has this murky, funky whomp-whomp-whomp goose-steppy thing going on underbeneath the lyrics, and it's easy to think about Fascists for some reason, I dunno, man, I get to listen to this song any way I want, OK? Beep-beep!


Alcohol is very Fashionable, I think, all the different things that come into Fashion, like Rye Whiskey and Mezcal, and Cocktails and Cider on tap (yuck), but it's fun to find novel ways to get loaded, you know? I support the current Fashion of drinking Local Beer in as many forms as I can find it. Meanwhile, I am also going through a personal recurring Fashion of swizzling down "Cold Duck," which I learned on the Wikipedia was originally made with the dregs of wine casks mixed with champagne: "The wine was invented by Harold Borgman, the owner of Pontchartrain Wine Cellars in Detroit, in 1937. The recipe was based on a German legend involving Prince Clemens Wenceslaus of Saxony ordering the mixing of all the dregs of unfinished wine bottles with Champagne. The wine produced was given the name 'Kaltes Ende' ('cold end' in German), until it was altered to the similar sounding term 'Kalte Ente' meaning 'cold duck.'" I think the last bottle of Cold Duck I drank was made outta some Grape Kool-Aid with an Alka-Seltzer dropped in, urp! Anyway, I enjoy it, and it's way better than Four Loko, which was very Fashionable for a few seconds, Ironically, I think, like Smirnoff Ice, which I also do not recommend, no offense. Man, I wish there was a place that made Local Cold Duck, that would be great, blurp!

So yeah, man, there's nothing more fun than having some alcohol and listening to David Bowie in a bar. You know, David Bowie was so good at being popular, one time he was on the TV show "Soul Train," which almost never hosted guests of the Caucasian persuasion, but in 1975 he was totally getting the Soul part of "Soul Train" into his albums, so he got to be up on the stage for the patented awkward Don Cornelius interview and then lip-sync a coupla hits, 'Golden Years,' and 'Fame,' which are my favorite David Bowie songs.

I think some people who never even met David Bowie are way too sad about David Bowie being dead, but the good thing for them is there's lots of David Bowie music to listen to and enjoy until they die, you know? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying David Bowie wouldn't get very worked up if you croaked, you know? C'mon, cheer up, have some Alcoholic Beverages with me and I will play David Bowie songs on the jukebox, OK? But not that 'Little Drummer Boy' thing he did with Bing Crosby, that was horrible, and it gets played every Christmas way too much, blergh, I hate that song, even when I am having Eggnog, which, when it's good, is made out of Alcohol.

I think the Alcoholic Beverage I most associate with my friend David Bowie is the Pimm's Cup, which was invented in England, the same place David Bowie was invented. Also, if you can find some, try and find "Cloudy Alcoholic Lemonade," which I swear I have seen on offer here in Baltimore at Liam Flynn's Ale House on North Avenue, but the guy I got on the phone there couldn't confirm.

Guy on the phone: Hello.

Me: Hey, do you stock Cloudy Alcoholic Lemonade?


Me: Really? Have you ever stocked Cloudy Alcoholic Lemonade?


Me: Are you sure? I coulda swore I saw it in the cooler up front.

GOTP: No. I dunno.

Me: OK, thanks.

GOTP: [unintelligible]

Anyway, the great thing about a Pimm's Cup is you don't get super hammered on 'em, so you could sit around and listen to the music of David Bowie all day and not get morose. C'mon, don't be sad, he had a good life!


My Bride and I have a running gag about how when we get a dog (right now we haz cat and it just would not work, the cohabitating) we are gonna name it Young American (which is my favorite David Bowie song), and for our own personal amusement we are gonna holler at it like so:

Me, cracking a beer: Young American, get over here!

The Bride: Young American, we told you to stop doing that on the rug, now stop!

Me: Young American, get your nose outta the trash can! Go on!

The Bride: Young American, did you go downtown to look for a job today?

Me: Young American, we told you, if you didn't get your G.E.D., you were gonna have to go on and get a job now, and start contributing around here! Young American, if you don't have a G.E.D., how are you gonna ever be able to go to Junior College?!? Young American! Is that a tattoo?


Mail: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278