Yeah baby, I’m on Vacation, AROOO! I’m not even here, you know? I mean, I’m someplace, but that someplace is an Unknown Planet in the Galaxy of Vacation, you know? Depending on when you read this (and when I wrote this) I hope you have or will recently experience Vacation in your life soon or just now or shortly before or after now, or right now! Vacation! Go!
Meanwhile, I don't know where I am except I am on Vacation! Someplace! So I'm There, not Here, OK? I'm not in my Usual Place doing my Usual Things, see? Vacation!
I mean, in retrospect, one writes everything in advance, doesn't one? That's how writing works! It's like, you're reading it right now, but that's not when I wrote it, and that is especially true this week because where am I? Yeah!
Hey! If you have a Column and you think you're gonna skip filing because you are on Vacation, lemme know and I will write your Column for you, lazybones. Yes, I don't care what your Column is, I will fill it. And cash your check! Second Rule: Get Paid! I'm on Vacation and my Column is filed and I Get Paid!
That's why I write enough Column to go around, you know? I want that check! I still Get Paid for The Mr. Wrong Column via checks, made out of paper, with numbers and signatures and stuff on 'em such as: VERIFY THE AUTHENTICITY OF THIS MULTI-TONE SECURITY DOCUMENT. CHECK BACKGROUND AREA CHANGES COLOR GRADUALLY FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. My check is sent through U.S. Mail, hand-delivered to my castle. I can't figure out who currently signs my checks though, because I can't read the signature scrawls. There's two signatures on my check, is that normal? Is this one of those situations like in the Nuclear Missile Silos where there's two soldiers and they each have a key and they each have a pistol in case the other one freaks out? "Too many zeroes on that Mr. Wrong check! Stop! I'm warning you! Put that pen down! KA-BLAM!" One of the signatures looks like "Steve Martini," or maybe "Sgt. Matinee" (but I think I'm still picturing those soldiers shooting each other over paychecks for people they never met), and the other one looks like it says "AmallallMdey," one of those repetitive deals that makes me think a person is weary of signing stuff. I mean, I know the signatures on my check are not Actual Signatures, they are Digitized Facsimiles of signatures, because it's too many checks to go and really sign 'em all, and then what if these two Signators wanna go on Vacation, right? Sign a stack of blank checks in advance? Nah, just have a Robot do my sig, man, I'm on Vacation! Hey, I gotta see if I can train a Robot to write my column!