Baltimore City Paper

A list of people, places, and things more fit to be president than Donald Trump

Primary season is now all but over, with the two major parties that command a stranglehold on this nation's future both entering the homestretch of their respective nominating processes. Most of us are well aware that Hillary Clinton looks poised to defeat Bernard Sanders, the upstart Democratic Socialist from Vermont, but what has been extremely underreported and barely addressed by the national media is that the Republicans are about to nominate real estate mogul and reality TV personality Donald Trump. Yes, you read the correctly! Donald Trump! Imagine that! Or better yet: Don't!

In the coming days and weeks, as the media finally gets around to informing you that Donald Trump has an actual real (you know, like really real) chance at becoming your future president, you will no doubt learn several alarming and frankly terrifying facts about Mr. Trump, such as who he wants to round up in the night and deport, which folks he wants to ban from even entering our country, and whose families he thinks it is okay to murder. With apologies to the 3,950 Baltimore City residents who willingly cast a vote for Donald Trump in the primary, here is a list of men, women, beasts, and inanimate objects that are more qualified to lead this country—this country that I remind you has an enormous arsenal of nuclear weapons—than the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party, Donald J. Trump.


- A play Coach Gregg Popovich has drawn up for the San Antonio Spurs in the last two minutes of an NBA Finals game

-Someone who insists on buying their friends from out of town a glass of Natty Boh


-Lenny and Carl

-The distraught Rancor Owner from "Return of the Jedi" who just watched his Rancor die

-George Saunders with writer's block

-A person who likes to yell about "Game of Thrones" spoilers in public

-Someone with seriously bad Radiohead opinions

-A Grumpy Cat calendar from 2014 that is missing the month of March

-A rowhouse with no roof in the pouring rain

-A person walking through Druid Hill Park listening to a Smash Mouth "Greatest Hits" album


-Michael Dukakis riding around in a new tank

-My 10th grade English teacher the time he told me to wear a bag over my head so he wouldn't have to look at me

-A defective microwave that nonetheless looks sort of cool

-Cookie Monster right after signing his divorce papers

-Tom DeLonge (Look, obviously the former Blink-182 guitarist/singer Tom Delonge is probably not ready to be briefed about Area 51 or memorize the names of various Saudi princes, and obviously anti-Trump listicles are basically low-hanging fruit for #content #creators, but surely the singer of 'All The Small Things' would agree that it is still important, necessary even, to never stop repeating that Donald "For Real the Presumptive Republican Nominee" Trump is dangerous and unhinged and totally, totally unfit to be referred to as "Mr. President" except sarcastically and even then it seems galling and gross and weird)

-Keanu Reeves reading the script of "The Matrix 4" and declaring with real emotion, "I love reading!"


-All of the characters from "Street Fighter II" and most of the characters from "Mortal Kombat 3"

-A rich but extremely introverted fan of the Blue Man Group with six months to live

-Rihanna's 'Disturbia' played backwards over and over again

-An argyle sweater your girlfriend gives you the day she breaks up with you

-Roast Beef, my cat. Wait. Let me explain: Roast Beef has never once called for the families of suspected terrorists to be assassinated as some sort of anti-Geneva Conventions collective punishment war crime.

-A space heater that makes a weird hissing noise not unlike an angry snake


-Joe Flacco getting sacked

-A hockey game that just won't end

-Barack Obama's Birth Certificate

-DJ Khaled's SnapChat account

-A spork that has been passed down in your family for generations

-Your friend who once thought the moon landing was fake but has mellowed with age


-A stack of Alan Moore comic books you just can't bring yourself to throw away

-Inspectah Deck's verse on 'Triumph' but chopped and screwed

-A wizard who has outlived his usefulness

-Your third favorite stuffed animal

-A Facebook poke from someone you haven't spoken to in years

-Morgan Freeman narrating another movie about penguins walking around


-A urine-soaked adult diaper

-A rollercoaster that isn't really safe to ride

-A list of fake Star Wars characters