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You Need to Learn to Relax or the Stress Will Fucking Kill You Before the Thing That is Supposed to Kill You Gets the Chance

You Need to Learn to Relax or the Stress Will Fucking Kill You Before the Thing That is Supposed to Kill You Gets the Chance
(Wikimedia Commons)

I am just a squirrel out there trying to get a nut, and, in the manner of the noble and industrious shadow-tailed Sciuridae, I am content with my fate to rummage around in the leaves (my brain) to find acorns and stuff to live on, and I don’t ever worry about money, because it comes and goes, you know? 

You shouldn’t worry about money stuff, because there is Scientific proof about how when you worry, it causes enzymes and chemicals and all these biological reactions that are part of how your body works from back in the Primitive times when you were getting chased by Dinosaurs and Smilodons and stuff, and you had to react immediately, you hadda go fucking banshee on a Pterodactyl or a Direwolf that was trying to take your food away from you, or maybe was trying to make you into food. Survival! There’s no tomorrow! Fight-or-Flight! Arrrggh! Kill the Pterodactyl! Run like hell from the Smilodon!
And then when that was over, it was time to rest up, from your busy day of fighting-or-flighting, and you could relax, spend some time making a new jacket out of that Pterodactyl you just totally fucking killed, maybe invent fire and enjoy some roasted Dinosaur or something, and perhaps simply spend some time reflecting on a more effective way to get to the waterhole without attracting the attention of a pack of Hyenas, or that other way-bigger Smilodon that showed up the other day, what the fuck. 

That's where the worrying comes in, see, you could be all, "fuck, man, tomorrow I gotta go down to Ye Water Hole and have a slurp, maybe splash the pits to get some of the stink of that Pterodactyl off me (did I tell you I totally killed a Pterodactyl yesterday?), but those fucking Hyenas will be there, oh me, oh my, they might be there and they will pile on me like a pack of Hyenas and rend my flesh and stuff, I am such a Primitive individual I haven't even invented a Religion to address for some guidance, whatever will I do?" Or, conversely, you could use your Brain, and you could Think about a more effective way to get to the Hole, and be like, "well, those fucking Hyenas are out all night, but I noticed they all disappear around 6 a.m., probably to go sleep, so that's totally the best time to get to the W.H., and since the worst thing that could happen is the Hyenas decide to show up early, I'm gonna get some of my pals to go with me and we can take turns getting watered and keeping a lookout, and we should probably bring some spears and stuff, just in case shit jumps off."

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See? See the difference between being a Worrier, and Victim, and going Proactive with your giant Human Brain? You can do that! You haz the power! Let's dig a trap and line it with pointy bamboo spears and lure in that big-ass Smilodon and make a rug outta that fucker before it eats us! Proactive! Carpe Smilodon!

The Man has conditioned us all to feel bad when we are not Productive, when we are not down at the shirtwaist factory cranking out merch because we caught the flu and are too ill to post at the job because we didn't have time to get away from said job and get a flu shot.

Speaking of which, I wanna take a sidebar here for a sec to share this missive from Gentle Reader Allan M., of Baltimore:

I continue to enjoy your column every week. I wanted to reply to this week’s column which stated: “If you are against Vaccinations and you don’t get a Flu Shot, I guess I can understand, because that’s you, but if that is you, then fucking go especially wash your hands all the time during these High Holy Days of the Cold and Flu.”
Since you are a Thought Leader, I wanted to let you know that getting the flu shot can actually be a matter of life and death. For most healthy adults, the flu is just an annoyance. But for people with a compromised immune system (including the elderly people living with HIV, and infants) the flu can be deadly. It’s estimated that 500,000 people worldwide die from the flu every year. Unfortunately, the flu vaccine is less effective in the very people who are most at risk from the flu. But if the rest of us get vaccinated, we slow the spread of flu, and protect other people who are at risk.
I always tell my kids that by getting the flu vaccine, they might be saving an old person’s life. And that goes for all of us.
Keep Columning!

Thanks, Allan M., for your thoughtful note, and I am in complete agreeance, with respect to people getting a flu shot. We need to keep the Species alive! I am getting my vaccination next week.

OK, back to how The Man is sweating you: You lose money because you missed work, and then you fall behind on a bill or two, and you hear stuff about how they might bring back Debtor's Prison and stuff because Fuck You, Pay Me is the National Anthem and you are a Deadbeat. You are bad. You get down on yourself and worry about how you will ever get out of Debt. Fuck that, man, be a deadbeat. I'm not saying be a lazy piece of crap and suck up the Welfare, I'm just saying people should be Productive, somehow, but that does not always equal Money, and instead of worrying about money, spend the time thinking up a master plan to take care of you and yours and get what you need without being mean to anybody. It's a game, you can play it, and you can Win when you realize the prize is not what they want you to think it is. And you know who They are.

Email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
Don't worry be tweety: @mrwrongcolumn

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