Bird-Brain
(Illustration by Charlie Herrick)

Things are getting Worse, man, now they (and you know who They are) have everybody all het up about this Apple Pay. Did you hear about the Apple Pay? Do you know about the Apple Pay? Do you care about the Apple Pay? The Media is reporting on how there is this thing, this event, this movement, this phenomenon called Apple Pay, a thing that is used to Pay for stuff. Apple Pay! This is a fucking news item! All over the place, this Apple Pay is a Thing, but it’s just a way to pay for stuff like you do all the time.

This is mostly not news, all this Apple Pay blah blah blah, it’s mostly Advertising, all this crapple about the Apple Pay, and the people who are presenting it as News are always terrified they are not in on The News, so they go into Swarming Grunion Mode and report on the New Thing. What is it? It’s new? It’s new! Somebody else reported it! We can’t look like we are unaware of this thing! What do you mean “who cares?” Who cares? Who cares about who cares? We don’t have time to think about stuff like that, we have to report a report on this! It doesn’t matter what we think! We don’t! That part doesn’t matter, we have to put something! Let’s get in there! Apple Pay! Hurry! Make this a Thing! That’s our job!
They want you to be aware of this thing, and use this thing, and they need you to Want it, man, they want you to Need to use this Apple Pay, and every time you Apple Pay for something, they get Apple Paid, a teensy li’l percentage, kinda like the way credit card companies make money outside bleeding you for interest on your revolving credit account.
Look, I’m no Conspiracy Theorist, but I see a new and deeper micro-money relationship here, man. We pay for all kindsa goods and services, but right now, most of the time we mooch electricity to charge all our devices, phones, pads, pods, etc. You go to the airport, a bar, your friend’s house, and you plug your shit in because your battery’s dipping. You take the cheapo bus to New York City and you expect a little plug someplace so you can keep the go-juice topped up on your devices. You think nothing of plugging in to anything that will charge your shit up, because you play those little games, the Candy game, the Bird game, the Word game, some music, you need your little electronic pacifier because you can’t spend one fucking minute without something to distract you from the voices in your head. You are not supposed to have voices in your head, that’s what they want you to Believe, because they want to be the voice in your fucking head. Have you ever heard the one about “the only place they can’t get to you is the space between your ears” or something like that? They are steadily trying to get in there, man! 
Have you ever tried to just be alone with your thoughts? Scary, isn’t it? Well guess what, if you can’t, then you are weak, you are weak if you can’t be Alone. That’s not a judgment, man, it’s just a quantitative evaluation of relative strength, that’s just how it is, but weak things can be made strong! Recognize! Resist! They want you to be connected, all the time, like an insect, like an ant, a teensy little drone busting her ass for the queen, aka The Man. They want you to depend on your little energy-swilling device, and feel disconnected and alone when you do not haz.
And you’re helping, because you’re afraid to think, that’s a voice in your head, your voice, thinking. Don’t be afraid of it! Make friends with it, it’s you! Don’t listen to them, They want you to stay plugged in, stay connected to the Lowest Common Denominator hive. People are like “you know, if you play these games, it keeps you sharp.” For what? To put pieces of fucking candy in a stack or whatever you do in the Candy game? No, I don’t know how to play the Candy game! And stop announcing you are playing it when you are on The Facebook! Millions of fucking people are playing the Candy game! It is not special! You know what’s special? And interesting? Thought! Try it! You know why you think you need to be kept sharp by playing the Bird-Word whatever-fuck game? Because They want you “sharp,” like a tool! You are a tool! Stay sharp to be used, tool! By Them! 
You know what, somebody’s gonna ask to have Apple Pay put in their arm or something, on their forehead or butt-cheek, so they can just walk into Starbucks and they will get their Oprah Chai Tea Latte without having to ask for it, and without having to tell their name to the Coffee-barista-Starfucking-ista, and without having to do anything strenuous like reach into their pocket, or do anything super fucking slow like swipe a goddamn debit card. And if anybody gets one of those gizmos that let you charge your phone while you jiggle it, there’s gonna be hella lemmings out on the track joggling those devices, and then they will be sleepy, and we’re back at Starbucks for a Frappuccino, Pay with your Apple-cino!
So now there is Apple Pay, and you need to upgrade your device! Did you upgrade your device so you can Apple Pay? If you do not upgrade your device you cannot Apple Pay. They want you to feel bad because you can’t Apple Pay! You gotta Apple Pay, so you can pay faster! Soyoucanpayfaster! Why are you paying so slow? Hurry! Other people are doing it! You are being Left Behind in the Apple Pay Rapture! Apple Pay Faster!
Eventually all you will have to do is plug your plug into The System, it won’t matter if it’s an electricity plug or a computer plug, you will be Accounted For, play that fucking Bird game, and then while you sleep, they will use your Bird-brain to think for a Robot Drone, and whatever little kilo-whatsit of power you sip will be deducted from your paycheck, or maybe by then all will be Apple Paycheck! 

Email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
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