Now is The Holidays! It is easy to see how you might feel like you can’t do anything about it. This The Holidays thing, it is in some ways similar to the deadly Lake-Effect Snow some of our more Unfortunate Citizens are fighting right now, seriously. People can be killed by The Holidays. Depression-Suicide. Drunken accidents. The Holidays. Aiieeee!
Look, you can fight The Holidays! You can survive! I am telling you that you can totally fucking Win The Holidays! You just gotta look the Holidays in all of its spiderlike and terrifying multi-eyes and start punching! Whack-A-The-Holidays! I didn’t have time to wrap it, but please accept this, your personal The Holidays Mantra, as my A Very Special The Holidays gift to you, the Gentle Reader of The Mr. Wrong Column:
Fuck you, The Holidays! You can’t kill me! I am better than you! You can’t make me a prisoner! I will Embrace you in a way that allows you to pass through me like shit through a Christmas goose, but meanwhile while you think you are inside me controlling me I will grab each of your Hydra-like heads by the neck and choke them all into subjugation! I run you, The Holidays, you do not run me! Ho! Ho! Hooooooo!
As this episode of The Mr. Wrong Column goes to paper and pixels, it is Thanksgiving Eve, and I am eating in advance, to condition myself for more gravy, so we are now Officially full-on righteously hip-deep in The Holidays, man, and this is really when The Holidays start to eat away at the inside of your Soul, and your Brain, and all your other Vital Areas, via all those unfortunate people who have been absorbed by The Holidays, enslaved by The Holidays, and now those fools are out there, shuffling around with their vacant stares, doing The Holidays-type obligations such as Buying Stuff, and then the Holidazed, they spot you, and they begin posing questions to you, in a grim travesty of having a Conversation, saying stuff like hey, how are your The Holidays going? Are you having a good The Holidays? Are you going someplace for The Holidays? What are you doing for The Holidays? Boy, these The Holidays sure are crazy this year! Are you having some sort of major malfunction with The Holidays? Are you mad at The Holidays? You aren’t one of those people who want to have a War on The Holidays, are you? Tell me now, before I report you, what are you doing for The Holidays? The Holidays! The Holidays! Happy The Holidays! Arrghhh!
I looked on my Google Calendar and here are some of The Holidays, in Chronological Order:
1. Advent (Nov. 30)
2. Feast of the Immaculate Conception (Dec. 8)
3. Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe (Dec. 12)
4. Hanukkah I (Dec. 17), Hanukkah II (Dec. 18), Hanukkah III (Dec. 19), Hanukkah IV (Dec. 20), Hanukkah V (Dec. 21), Hanukkah VI/Rosh Chodesh Tevet (Dec. 22), Hanukkah VII (Dec. 23), Hanukkah VIII (Dec. 24)
5. Christmas Eve (Dec. 24)
6. Christmas Day (Dec. 25)
7. New Year’s Eve (Dec. 31)
8. New Year’s Day (Jan. 1)
9. The Prophet’s Birthday (Jan. 3)
10. Epiphany (Jan. 6)
11. Martin Luther King Jr. Day (Jan. 19)
12. Groundhog Day (Feb. 2)
13. Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14)
14. Presidents’ Day/Washington’s Birthday (Feb. 16)
I don’t understand why Hanukkahs I-VIII have Roman Numerals, but that kinda makes me appreciate those Eight Crazy Nights even more, because in my mind it conflates the Hanukkahs with Super Bowl, which for some reason is not on the Google Calendar of The Holidays, but that does not make it any less of a The Holidays, and this year it is XLIX, which jumps off on Feb. 1, and wow, that is gonna make my own personal Groundhog Day a tough slog, personally and hangover-wise, oof. But I will rise up and celebrate Groundhog Day, even though I do not support the oppression of Groundhogs, animal-rights-wise! Groundhogs should not be grabbed and held up elevated above the Ground, you know? They are Ground-hogs! We need to respect the Psychic and Meteorological Powers of the Groundhog without debasing this noble animal’s dignity. Happy Groundhog Day! Ermf!
Every year we (as in U.S.) have The Holidays and I think every year it should be OK for you to feel different about The Holidays with respect to how hard you want to Holiday, you know? Some years it’s like “ehhh, OK, is the Holidays, whatever, you do you, The Holidays-wise, and I will be over here when you are all done Holiday-ing,” and then other years it’s totally “THE HOLIDAYS! ARROOOO! YEAH!” Mostly, though, I like to eat, so I focus on the Food parts of The Holidays. Also: Drinking.
As far as the Commercial aspects of The Holidays, I do not co-sign on the dotted line with all the stupid fucking Black Fridays bullshit because it is the Unseen Hand of The Man jerking the population around like little money-puppets, having them wait in lines for bigscreen TVs and Blu-ray whatevers, nah man, I’d rather sleep in, you know? That is an aspect of The Holidays I embrace, and I urge you to be selective about The Holidays, circle the carcass a coupla times and the pick off the bits you like! The Number One Rule with respect to The Holidays is you Do Not have to haz The Holidays! You can avoid The Holidays and make a The Holiday out of that! Happy The Holidays! Aieee!
Email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
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Tweet: @MRWRONGCOLUMN
