Baltimore City Paper

Mr. Wrong: We Will Suck Every Drop of Oil Out of The Ground if it's the Last Fracking Thing We Do, But I need it to Happen Faster

Schematic depiction of hydraulic fracturing for shale gas, showing main possible environmental effects

Hey, do you remember Osama bin Laden? I’ll never forget that guy, for lotsa reasons, but mostly because one time he said oil should cost $144 a barrel, because if it was less than that, then the United States or The West or whatever was ripping off the Persian Gulf people. The reason I will never forget is because I thought it made sense, I always thought the price of a barrel of oil was way too low, because there was some Secret Handshake business going on with the Saudi guys pumping our oil. When he said it, a barrel of oil cost about $12. Doesn’t that sound totally fucking crazy? Twelve bucks! Also, a gallon of gas was like a dollar a gallon, but a little higher for me because my Honda runs on high-test, and that shit is always like 25 cents more than regular, but I’m telling you motorists, if you are supposed to put the Premium gas in your car, do it, it’ll run better, and I think that (along with not being able to afford a new car) is why I am still driving my 1996 Civic.

A coupla years ago the price of gas was insane, remember? It was over four bucks a gallon, and now it’s like under three, because the Saudis are dropping the price, right now the price of a barrel of oil is around $90, and according to the Wall Street Journal, that’s the break-even point for all this fracking that’s going on in Canada and here in the United States of America in Dakota and places like that. You know what fracking is, right? It is the perfect example of breaking the Golden Rule of “You Don’t Shit Where You Eat,” except it is more along the lines of You Don’t Piss Where You Drink, and in this case, with hydraulic fracturing, it is high-pressure chemo-piss that gets pumped down into the ground to get at that oil. Here is some Wikipedia knowledge:
Hydraulic fracturing (also hydrofracturing, hydrofracking, fracking, or fraccing) is a well-stimulation technique in which rock is fractured by a hydraulically pressurized liquid . . . (usually chemicals and sand suspended in water) . . . commonly applied to wells for shale gas, tight gas, tight oil, and coal seam gas . . . 
Hydraulic fracturing is highly controversial, proponents advocating economic benefits of readily accessible hydrocarbons . . . and opponents concerned for the environmental impact of hydraulic fracturing including contamination of ground water, depletion of fresh water, degradation of the air quality, the triggering of earthquakes, noise pollution, surface pollution, and the consequential risks to health and the environment.

Meanwhile, I read in the Los Angeles Times the fucking Army is planning their stuff around the weather report!

Rising global temperatures, increasing sea levels and intensifying weather events will challenge global stability . . . and could lead to food and water shortages, pandemic disease and disputes over refugees and resources.

The Army’s not fucking around, man, they have to plan on how to build weapons that will work in shittier and shittier weather, you know? And the thing that keeps making stuff worse is all the hydrocarbons we’re burning, but we’re not gonna burn less until it costs way too much or we run out, but we have way too many hydrocarbons left to still pull outta the ground, you know? And I’m pretty sure this is all fucking up my plan to get a goddamn tax-incentivized solar panel on my house to save money on heating my house, man. The Saudis are pumping more to slow the frack! Fucking oil doesn’t cost enough anymore! If this keeps up, these low prices, the oil-boom towns, where they are fracking the shit out of everything that is frackable, are gonna have to shut down, because they won’t be making a profit. I need that price to get back up to Osama bin Laden prices!
Then fracking will kick back in and get way more intense than it is now, and we won’t stop fracking until there’s nothing left to frack, man, we will squeeze every drop outta this fucking planet, but who knows how long that will take, right? I need it to happen faster! I’m never gonna get my solar panel. Plus: We’re doomed.
Programming Note: HOLDENFEST is happening Nov. 15 at the Metro Gallery, 1700 N. Charles St. This will be a show and sale of the photography of the late Sam Holden, and there will be heavy sounds from Foghound, Pearly Goats, Imperial Tramp, Bastards Of Reality, and 4 Footer. All proceeds will go to the Sam Holden Memorial Fund, which has been established at Towson University, where Sam used to teach. If we can get the fund up to $25,000, it will become a permanent endowment for photography students. Please to consider attending and make an evening of it, or simply stop in to shake a hand and have a word, preferably before the cocktails kick in and I go and put my head in a speaker or something. You can also go to and follow the link to the donation site. Thank you.