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Mr. Wrong: The Minimum-Wage Statue of Liberty is a Pimp-Pawn Used in The Man's War on Your Subsistence-Level Income

Get $50 Cash Now
(Noah Scialom, Special to the Mr. Wrong Column)

Every once in a while here at the Mr. Wrong column we turn our attention to The Children because they are indeed The Future, which, you know, when you think about it, who cares? I’m not gonna be around in The Future, they are, right? Let them figure it out! Go grow up and get a damn job!

OK, lemme start again: Every once in a while here at The Mr. Wrong Column, in addition to all the other stuff we complain about, we carp about how Our Tax Dollars are spent, and a big way Your Tax Dollars rain down is on the Schools, for The Children, because—and I am a firm Believer in this— we need to keep children off the streets and in the goddamn schools to prevent The Children from eroding Minimum Wage jobs out from under Adults who need to work at Taco Bell or stand on the corner being a “Gig Economy” Statue of Liberty for seasonal Income Tax Preparation Services. 
For the sake of the schools, before we had a shiny-new and somewhat profitable Casino here in The City That Needs to Teach The Children to Read, a long-ass time ago I proposed installing slot machines in each educational facility, with the school system getting a big chunk of the cheese. Think about it, man, Slot Machines all over the city, for The Children! That woulda created a lotta Economic Stimulus in neighborhoods all over the City That Plays “Cherry Machines” That Pay Off (Illegally), and then Baltimore coulda made a concerted effort to get the Cherry Machines out of all the low-occupancy corner taverns and grease-pit carry-outs that depend on them for that little bit of extra cash flow that helps cover the monthly nut, and forced them to install Legal Slot Machines, which would also be compelled to port money to the schools, for The Future. But no, man, the Invisible Hand of the Shadow Gambling Economy is still strong, and you can still find illegal gambling in every nook and cranny of Our Fair City, machines set up by Crooks and played by your Granny.
Our city went a different way, and built us a Casino, and there are Jobs there, and it’s hard to argue with a Job, anywhere, especially out on the streets, these Statues, of Liberty? Man, many of them are solid Performance Artists, I’m not kidding; working the crowds at intersections, goofing on people in their cars who might be goofing on them because the Statues, the Symbols of Our Great Nation’s Promise of Freedom and Refuge, those Liberties, they are people who need money, out there on the street wearing a costume to Get Paid. People are fucking mean, man, but whatever, shout-out to the Statues of Liberty, you are doing Honest Work in your capacity as Street Advertising, I offer you my Respect.
However, in a Sidebar observation, while I am sure the majority of Income Tax Preparation facilities provide a Valuable Service for the Consumer, a lotta these franchise joints have been operating as usurious short-term Loan Leeches, and they are still angling to chisel off coins stuck to the crusty bottom rung of the Economic Ladder. 
It’s like this, the Income Tax places can’t do those crappy “Refund Anticipation Loans” (RAL) anymore, so they figured out a different way to micro-slurp some cash outta the Desperation Economy, quite possibly outta the very Statues of Liberty heralding Tax Services. It would never even occur to anybody with some Cash Flow to go for this con, but if you are hand-to-mouth, the best time for cash is Now, so you see that Advance Cash, and even though you smell the jaws of the mouse trap under all that peanut butter, you start sniffing with a good mind to bite down hard. Personally, I don’t have a Day Job, but Every Day I’m Hustlin’ and no way no how am I gonna fall for that shit, man, it’s right up there with Furniture Rental as a way to remora some cash out of your Personal Economic Bloodstream.
These places want to prepare your return and then “load” your refund on a Card and then charge you an Additional Fee! 
Look, I’m no Financial Analyst, but do you see all these hard-working Statues of Liberty out on the streets? Many of them are holding up signs offering “$50 CASH NOW” or whatever, and that 50 bucks is of course an Advance on your annual windfall of Tax Return, but I think it’s an Animal-Spirit-of-The-Predatory-Lender-type way to sucker you into paying a Service Fee for your own fucking cash, does that make sense? And the Statue of Liberty is a Pimp! It’s always the short-term money that costs the most, and that is where they get you, and you know who They are, the fuckers pulling the strings on the dancing-because-it’s-so-fucking-cold-outside Statues of Liberty in huddled masses out on the corner. Don’t be a sucker! If you are on the Edge of the Economy, go get help with your taxes from a Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA) program. God Bless America.

Gentle Readers, this is your last chance to send in a list of your own personal and highly subjective Top 10s of 2014 and ship 'em to me at the below email address. Your list might get printed in ink on paper! You might win a prize without doing anything illegal!

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