Like many U.S. Americans, I have a few “Hot Button” issues, I ain’t gonna lie, there are things that just get me cheesed off in a totally Asymmetrical and Geometrically disproportionate amount to maybe what the appropriate level of irritation should be, and I know it, and I’m working on it, but: I can’t help it. Hot Button.
I know, it's dumb, right? It's comical, what the hell? My blood pressure! I'm working on it. Eventually somebody would phone me and I would step out for my big Confrontation, and it was always a letdown. Some poor boob who didn't understand about the parking, or just made an honest mistake with the numbers in the lot. I was usually way calmer by then anyway, but every once in a while somebody would tell me they parked in my spot because somebody parked in their spot, and the crimson film would go back down over my eyeballs and my Systolic would give me mini-strokes while I was trying to explain my Policy with regards to Somebody Parked in My Space: "Just . . . Because . . . You . . . Parking . . . Not . . . Space . . . My . . . Urrgh . . . Doesn't . . . Urk!" That was me trying to say YOU TOOK MY SPACE BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOOK YOUR SPACE? YOU DON'T—ACK!
Or like at the movies, that’s a Hot Button I also need to work on, after the commercials and Coming Attractions and the completely unnecessary reminders that there is soda pop and candy and popcorn available in the lobby, after all that crap, when it’s all dark and movieish in the theater and somebody is using their goddamn glowing bright light handheld device, I say in my normal Indoor Voice (which is pretty much like shouting if it is during a quiet part of the movie) HEY SIR OR MADAM IT’S A MOVIE OVER HERE EXCUSE ME YOUR DEVICE IS BURNING LIGHT I NEVER REQUESTED INTO MY BRAIN PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OR JUST HOLD THE DEVICE LOWER OUT OF MY EYE LINE COULD YOU PLEASE DO THAT THANK YOU MOVIE, and then I go back to looking at the movie, and if somebody else piles on and gets into it with whoever is doing the Candy Game or texting or whatever I ask them to C’MON MAN EVERYBODY PLEASE BE QUIET I AM TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE MOVIE and then I try and watch some more of the movie but then if there’s any more sound or light I go out into the lobby and use my complete Outside Voice with the people who work at the theater which pretty much ruins the movie for me, and then I start complaining to anybody walking by about that horrible yellow goop they put on the popcorn at most theaters, that’s another Hot Button, but I’m working on it. I am working on all of this. Thank you. ν