Hey turkeys, next week is my absolute fave-rave Holiday of the entire Calendar, to wit: Thanksgiving, and I say this as an Evolved human being who has (I think) a Complete Understanding of how the Ultimate Lesson of the First Thanksgiving is about the Wampanoag, those folks who already lived here, the Indigenous Population, if you will? They shoulda murdered all those settlers and preserved the Indigenous Way of Life! Because that is The American Way! Build a wall! Those so-called “settlers” don’t have papers! Kill! Kill!
OK, so that didn't happen, and now all that stuff is History, and now everything is OK. Well, OK, everything is not OK, that's not true, but personally, I think we're all supposed to learn from it, all of that History stuff, because we're now supposedly all Americans up in here, so let's move forward like adults, and I'm not saying forget any of that bad stuff, man, no way, We The People need to totally Remember all that crap, and at the same time, just because I'm telling you to remember to not forget Unfortunate Episodes in the History of Our Nation, it don't mean you can't have a nice Thanksgiving, you know? I think it's called Cognitive Dissonance or something? To hold two sorta diametrically opposed thoughts in your head at the same time, such as "Hey, what a nice day it is today," while you are also thinking, "Hey the sun could explode at any minute and incinerate the entire planet." See? You can do that, because what are you gonna do, you know?
A whole buncha horrible things went on, and personally, I like to believe that more horrible things will not happen, and I Believe that, for reals, I think as a Race (Human) we can all figure a way out of conflicts and stuff, by using our Words, and then at the same time I read the newspaper and look at the fucking Internet, and I'm like, "Hey, Al Qaeda and ISIS just did a patch-over, we're totally fucking doomed!"
So in that spirit, I would like to get back to my original half-thought, namely, the High Holiday of Eating known as Thanksgiving, and the Primary Sacrament of said holiday, some Turkey. I can hardly wait, man, seriously, I know I could go and buy a turkey right now, right this fucking minute, and go cook it and have a Thanksgiving-type meal, and for that I am Thanksgivingful, but I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait until it is actually Thanksgiving, and then I am going to enjoy a turkey, and I'm not kidding, I will attempt to eat one entire turkey all by myself, and if I can get it in my mouth whole, I'm halfway there, I even saw a documentary about this snake that can unhinge its jaw to eat a whole victim-animal, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be going to this Yoga school, where I think I am going to be able to learn how to do this, through Deep Concentration, I think. I'm pretty sure, anyway, I mean, the guy at this Yoga school said he doesn't speak English, but I kept pointing to a picture of a snake I cut out of a magazine, then I opened my mouth really wide, and then I showed him a coupon I have for how if I buy $250 worth of groceries from this supermarket I will get a free turkey, and he shook his head in an affirmative manner.
So look, I know I said we're all doomed because of everything, but please to have some Thanksgiving, and be Thanksgivingful for every breath you take, every move you make, every cake you bake, and you can eat some vegetables for Thanksgiving and still have a Holiday, I won't judge you if you don't judge me, but I will judge you, of course, because that's what we do, c'mon, but we'll just be cool about it, and move forward as a Nation and have a Thanky Thanksgiving until the sun explodes, which won't be for at least a few years, or maybe really soon, so c'mon, hurry up, let's eat!