Usually I am just a li'l bit irritated with Halloween, specifically in terms of how I Believe it is mainly for The Children, and it's primarily for the little nosepickers to go out in costumes and practice being panhandlers, and adults should simmer down and let the kids have something, but I took a coupla trips to Mexico during El Día de los Muertos, and they really do it up proper down there, and it takes a few days, with separate days for children to parade around in costumes, and then as the event progresses, it gets scarier and scarier, and adults get in on the action (alcohol), but also there are family outings to cemeteries to hang out all night and have a picnic, play music, and generally venerate the Dead and their Souls and stuff. People build crazy temporary shrines in their homes and places of business, and it is an All-Inclusive event, I mean, really it is, on account of it involves Dead People, right? Aieee!
So after I visited another Culture and saw how they do a Thing, I was totally broadened, and I gained mucho perspective on the E'en of the Hallows here in The United States of America, Ween-wise, and I find I am less grouchy about all the meatheads and meatheadesses running around in costumes they bought at the pop-up costume shop, costumes they put Zero thought into, no Arts & Crafts involvement or anything, and then on some weekend close to Halloween if it's not a weekend day, I'm walking around trying to mind my own business, but I'm wading through a buncha pre-fab Pimps and all manner of Sexy costumes, Sexy Nurse, Sexy Librarian, Sexy Nun, I mean, come on, you are an adult with adult skills, how about maybe exercise some Creativity, you know? And does it always gotta be Sexy? Let's see, I mean, OK, if it does, howabout getting out of the Obvious box and going Sexy Ebola or something? Sexy Prix Fixe Menu? Sexy Cell Phone Charger? Declaration of Independence? I dunno, I'm trying very hard to not hate on people who want to have fun, seriously, I know I need to lighten up, I just think there are all these so-called adults who are very angry at having to be Adult that they do Kid Stuff when it's really time for The Children. But I haz Broader Perspective now! Plus, I guess I don't want anybody serving candy to children who would rather be out there being a Pimp, right? So fine, sure, go out and be Sexy Stripper for Halloween, or a Sexy Prostitute, hey, embrace the Obvious, Americans. Sexy Cat, Jesus H. Christ. Sexy Jesus H. Christ, make it stop.
All seriousness aside, for the record, I am now more tolerant, and take this opportunity to Officially be not harshing on Adults wearing costumes for Halloween or anything like that, please to wear costumes, grown-ups, any time you want, and that means also including around Halloween, I'm not trying to stop anybody from having fun, do your thing, but please to think of The Children, don't trample them while you are on your way to having Sexy Halloween.
And please don't drive to your Sexy Halloween, because you will need to be drunk—that part I 100 percent unreservedly wholeheartedly endorse—and it'll be difficult enough while you are wearing your Devil costume, driving and trying to keep your tail off the gas pedal and stuff. Call a cab or something, don't make any new Souls for El Día de los Muertos, por favor. And you know you don't wanna get locked up in a Pirate Costume or something, arrh.
Meanwhile, in my neighborhood, it has become known that we are one of the finest neighborhoods in which to Trick-or-Treat, and just about everybody on my block goes out and buys candy, and spruces up their lawn to be very Halloween-y, and it's kinda sad, actually, when I see all these parents coming in from other neighborhoods with their children, because they are coming from neighborhoods that stink at doing Halloween. I mean, we had approximately 300 Trick-or-Treaters last time we did Halloween, and so that is a serious financial consideration, you know? I don't like to give out the little party-sized candy, but damn, 300 Trick-or-Treaters! One year we ran out of all known candy, including breath mints, and started handing out crackers, I'm not kidding, man, I almost went for the canned vegetables before I realized we should just turn off all the lights and hide.
Now I say "approximately" 300 Trick-or-Treaters because in addition to the handful of Young Adults Who Are Too Old For Trick-or-Treat, there is this type of person who is either pushing a baby coach or carrying an infant, and if they step up to the door with their brood, they then have the chutzpah to ask for "candy for the baby." Candy for the baby! The child does not even walk yet, and you are asking me to give you candy? You are gonna put it in a Candy Savings Account for when the child finally gets some teeth to rot out of its head, with the candy? Man, this year I am drawing the line, in M&M's, on this "Candy for the Baby" con.
Also: Fuck Candy Corn. Don't give it, don't take it. Fight the Candy Corn Industrial Complex. Thank you and Happy Halloweening.
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