Baltimore City Paper

Always Bet On Sport

I hate school, seriously, I have gone on record many times as saying there are many mornings I wake up (or regain consciousness, depending on my previous evening), clap my hands together, and say out loud, "No School Today! Arroooo!" Man, do I hate school. I hated Kindergarten, Catholic School, Elementary School, Middle School, Vacation Bible School, Junior High, High School, Junior College, Community College, College, Continuing Education, all of it, man, every piece. The only way you could get me back inside a school anymore would be to pay me, and since I still don't have a Day Job, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that I do not haz Day Job, and, also, I am an Excellent Teacher, Mentor, Motivator, and Life Coach, and I would be a Valuable Asset to your Educational blah-blah whatever. Thank you.

I happen to live near a school, which is OK by me, as long as I never have to go inside of it for Learning, ugh. I mean, I go into the school to exercise my Civic Duty and Vote, but it's not easy, man, it's like a whole Trigger thing, reviving my deep and abiding hatred of school, shudder. Man, I am so glad I never have to go to school ever again, ever, whew.


Anyway, this morning as I was taking my daily morning walk—which, as Your Personal Life Coach, I recommend, every day, to perambulate your ass for at least coupla miles daily—I saw all the unfortunate little children headed back to school, bleah. I feel their pain, but more importantly, it's not even September yet! What the hell? It's still Summer! My aboveground pool is still open! How did all these kids get bamboozled into going to school when it's not even Labor Day yet? The State Fair just started! It's still Baseball Season! It's supposed to be the Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer! Not Readin'-Writin'-'Rithmetic! Not yet! No! The Children!

Another thing I noticed as these unfortunates, The Children, trundled back to the halls of Academia was they were being forced to carry a lotta bags from Target and Wal-Mart and places like that, full of the crap they have to bring to school, which turns out to be not just pencils and pens and Learning stuff, but also paper towels, and tissues, and antibacterial wipes, all kinds of junk the kids have to bring because the school can't afford it, I guess, and so this is the perfect time for me to welcome and greet the opening, this week, right here in Baltimore, America, of the new Horseshoe Casino, right down there next to the Garbage Incinerator and the Greyhound Bus on Russell Street, across from the new Royal Farm Store, and this shiny new casino is now gonna suck dollars away from the Perryville casino, which is kind of a boring, featureless Slots-Box-looking joint, and also Our New Horseshoe Casino will be pulling dollars from that dopey casino they (and you know who They are) built right on top of a perfectly good shopping mall at the Arundel Mills—what a dumbass place to put a casino, on a parking lot surrounded by housing developments and a mall—but whatever, now Our Horseshoe will start separating the Citizens of Baltimore and the surrounding Burbles from their hard-earned paychecks or hardly earned other forms of income, and some of that loot will be funneled into the Schools, the state's Education Trust Fund, for The Children, who have to go to school in August, before Summer is even over, and they have to bring antibacterial wipes, what a raw deal. School is terrible. I urge The Government to do a law that will send the poor children back to school after Labor Day, no more of this going back to school in August, it is Inhuman.


Furthermore, I am a Tax Payer, and I support many of my Tax Dollars going to all kinds of different things, and I support the funding of the Education of The Children, even though I hate school, I realize it is a necessary Evil, and I better not find out any of this Casino money is going to help the Stadium Authority, like what happened with the scratch-off lottery tickets; all of a sudden I look on my scratch-off, and it says it's for the benefit of the Stadium Authority? Where millionaires play sports for Billionaires? I never voted for that, I want my Vice Money going to help The Children, not a football stadium, OK?

So look, errbody in The City That Gambles needs to get behind this Horseshoe Casino. I'm not saying you should start gambling if you don't, I'm just saying if you are a member of the Players Club, then throw your money at the Horseshoe, not any of these other janky clip joints outside of the City That Always Bets on Black. And I would also like to take this opportunity to remind The People that the real dough at a Casino is if you start a Sports Book, and We The People need to get behind some Legislators to start Legislating the Legislation of some Sports Book Action here in Baltimore, to get a leg up on the other casinos in other states that will no doubt start trying to look for an Edge to attract players back to their casinos. Think about how great it would be to root for Your Baltimore Orioles or Your Baltimore Ravens or someday, Your Baltimore NBA Team, and to also have a big and 100 percent Legal parlay bet riding on them, eh? Yeah man, if you are a real fan of Sport, then you need the Complete Experience! Wagering! For The Children!

Last chance! What did you do on your Summer Vacation?  Tweet: @mrwrongcolumn,