At this time I would like to formally offer my services as Think Tank to the world. Why hide my light behind a bushel? Or a barrel? Whatever it was that people used to hide their light behind, I won't participate in that same olden-times light-hiding. I'm a born problem-solver and idea-haver, and there is no time in my busy schedule for bushels, barrels, or other cumbersome agricultural impediments.
Since I do not shy from a challenge, I accept as my first commission (pro bono, natch) the solving of the problem of the name of the football team Washington Redskins. And I am going to do it with all the blind fury of an elected official condemning Planned Parenthood. Are you ready? I can’t believe how easy this one is. Here goes.
Change the team’s name.
Everyone will love this idea when it is actually put into place. Die-hard Redskins fans will see their newly outdated memorabilia skyrocket in value, and they can still probably use their backup accessories, such as burgundy tube socks or gold face paints, for the new team. Which will be, since this is professional football we’re talking about, the same team. Die-hard fans are probably thinking, “Easy for you to say, lady,” and I agree. It is easy for me to say that the Redskins need to change their team’s name. I just said it twice. It is as easy for me to say “The Redskins Need To Change Their Name” as it was for the Baltimore Colts to magically disappear from Baltimore in the middle of a nor’easter, which is why I think Baltimore specifically should be nurturing a sea change in district NFL fans.
I don’t precisely know the mechanics of moving an entire football team across the country, but I don’t think that’s the point here. Baltimore football fans ride a roller-coaster arc of heartbreak, triumph, and weird disappointments every year, and the Ravens as a team are not even 20 years old. My Honda Accord will be eligible for historic plates at the same time the Ravens will be celebrating their Platinum Anniversary. Baltimore needs to reach down across the beltway and give D.C. a friendly pat. “Look, its gonna sting at first but then it’ll be fine. It happens to everyone sooner or later, so maybe it’s best if it happens sooner and we can move on to the healing.”
The swapping of NFL franchise brands should happen the same way you would remove a Band-Aid from a kneecap—quickly, and without much looking at what lies underneath. The owners of the Colts knew this, which is why they moved an entire football’s team worth of equipment at 2 o’clock in the morning in an effort that took only eight hours. Indianapolis’ mayor bragged about it the next day. You know what his name was? Hudnut. Mayor HUDNUT. What kind of a name is that? Our mayor cried. And it’s OK now. Well, sort of.
Washington, you could have a new and awesome name in no time flat. I will generously provide for you, free of charge, some possible options.
The Washington Memorials
The Washington Sportsbars
The Washington Lobbyists
The Washington Seventh-Grade Field-Trippers
You probably have some ideas of your own, and that’s great. I believe in you, especially since you just voted resoundingly in favor of Yes on 71, the ballot measure that decriminalizes the growth and possession of certain amounts of marijuana. If you can get it together enough to end discrimination against recreational cannabis users, you should be able to end discrimination against indigenous peoples. I can think of another name that would honor the pioneer spirit of District denizens: The Washington Half-Smokes.