Barbarellesque. Credit: Aaron Barlow.
Barbarellesque. Credit: Aaron Barlow.

-Baltimore Barstool Open: For the first time, Fells Point bars are transforming the town into a nine-hole mini-golf course—because drinking should always be paired with a metal club in hand. Come with a team (in costume of course), knock out some hole-in-ones while indulging in drink specials, and celebrate at the awards ceremony and afterparty at DogWatch. 11:30 a.m.-7 p.m., DogWatch Tavern, 709 S. Broadway, (410) 276-6030, baltimorebarstoolopen.com, $50 for a twosome, $100 for a foursome (prices will increase as the event nears).

-Barbarellesque: We can't keep track of the actual numbers of all the so-called internet rules. But you know the one that says if it exists, there is porn of it. Well, cut that number in half and make a new rule: If it's cool, there's burlesque of it. Or there should be. And really, there should be more sci-fi burlesque, because, you know, costumes and coolness. "Barbarella" is a great place to start because the 1968 film itself is almost burlesque itself, what with Jane Fonda, Anita Pallenberg, and all their ultra-camp hottitude. Add some strip-tease, some singing, and some dancing, and it will be even more over the top with some of our best burlesque (and boylesque) performers, such as Kay Sera, Maria Bella, Kitty Bermuda, and a whole bunch more. And we here at Baltimore's sci-fi-est alternative weekly are showing "Blade Runner" at the Windup Space the next night and giving prizes for costumes—so go check out "Barbarellesque" to get inspired. 7:30 p.m., The Creative Alliance at the Patterson, 3134 Eastern Ave., (410) 276-1651, creativealliance.org, $25. (Baynard Woods)

-Mother Earth Poetry Vibe featuring Natalie E. Illum: For some reason, we, the human species, are obsessed with women's bodies. Luckily, we have many poets, performers, artists, writers, activists, and others who are pretty relentless in calling people and the media out on this bullshit. In the same week that everyone was gawking at Kim Kardashian's ass on Paper magazine, that prosaic bro Diplo tweeted a link to crowd fund his mission to "Get Taylor Swift A Booty"—and Lorde came back with the classic "we should do something about your tiny penis while we're at it." The media starts critiquing women before they're even grown, pushing headlines at them that say, "love yourself!" but "be skinnier!" and "wear more makeup!" We criticize women when they choose to change something about their bodies to be closer to some ideal of beauty, and we criticize them when they don't. And these are just things that are chucked at able-bodied women. This obsession doesn't seem like it'll disappear anytime soon, so it's good to know that there are safe spaces for people to share their stories with each other through poetry, performance, art, and so on. Tonight's open mic is one such progressive platform, inspired by Emma Goldman's Mother Earth magazine which published articles on the labor movement, women's liberation, and government control. Hosted by poet and spoken word artist Analysis, the event features D.C.-based poet Natalie E. Illum, whose work stretches across topics of disability awareness, love and sexuality, and autobiography. 7:30 p.m., Red Emma's, 30 W. North Ave., (443) 602-7611, redemmas.org, free. (Rebekah Kirkman)

-From the Short List: Baltimore band Joseph & The Beasts performs at Gallery 788 with Breakfast In Fur, Old Victrola, and Mrs. Maki. "Drunk On A Plane" country hit-maker Dierks Bentley headlines the Royal Farms Arena. Another country star, Trace Adkins, sings Christmas songs at the Lyric Opera House. A cappella group Straight No Chaser performs at the Meyerhoff. Jazz drummer Tony Martucci, who has backed Mose Allison and Joe Henderson, leads his own band at An die Musik Live. Old-world folk band The Brinjal Band performs at Joe Squared. The Dean Ween Group, featuring one half of the disbanded Ween, headlines the Ottobar. Jazzy jam band Threesound plays the 8x10 with Twiddle. Los Angeles band The Allah-Las performs at the Metro Gallery with Tashaki Miyaki. DJ/producer Dillon Francis headlines Rams Head Live. Michigan metalcore band Of Virtue performs at Fishhead Cantina. Long-running New Jersey ska band Inspecter 7 plays the Sidebar with The Evokatones and Scotch Bonnets. Don't miss: One of alt-rock radio's best breakthrough acts of 2014, Bleachers, headlines Baltimore Soundstage with Wild Cub.

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