xml:space="preserve">

Why is this week different

from every other week? Because this week ends with

Advertisement

Arroooo! Yeah, man, Sunday, Feb. 2, in the year 2014, A.D., is the Forty-Eighth iteration of Super Bowl, the Ultimate Expression of America, tax included.

is also Feb. 2, which makes this year's Super Bowl Roman Numeral L minus X plus VIII officially the Most American Day Ever in the history of days after the day when they made America. And you know who They are.

This week people will talk about

, the way people always do, but it will be really important on account of how the weather might affect Super Bowl. I heard there is even talk about moving Super Bowl from "Super Sunday" to Saturday or Monday, even, if the weather is inclement! Can you believe that?

, man, some people are all like, enough, already, with the Polar Vortex, but look at what's happening here in America because of Polar Vortex! Moving Super Bowl! That's like moving Xmas, man, only it's like moving Xmas, New Year's Eve, and the 4th of July all at once. Plus Groundhog Day. I dunno if I am very pro the idea of moving Super Bowl, just saying. I mean, a lot of people have already planned their

for Monday, Feb. 3, you know? Just saying.

Maybe

didn't get poured into Super Bowl this year, and you are sad. It's OK to be sad about your team, but try and keep your head in the game, man, Super Bowl is bigger than you and your team, Super Bowl is a Uniter, not a Divider. That's why there's

during Super Bowl, so many of 'em! You can observe and comment on the commercials, and examine them to determine what kinda

you should eat during Super Bowl, and what kinda

you should drink during Super Bowl, and what kinda

or

you should drive to or away from Super Bowl. Personally, I enjoy the commercials during Super Bowl, because at no other time do commercials seem so Commercial, you know? It's like the

of commercials, only You are the Academy and you vote immediately. Personally, I like to drink beer on Super Bowl and not pilot an automobile, because I do not think gaol is a super-fun place to end up on Super Bowl. Personally, I like to make

Advertisement

for Super Bowl, so I am generally leaning toward corn chips or tortilla chips as a snack. This year I think I am also gonna make

and somehow incorporate them into the chili, like float a devilled egg on top of each bowl of chili? Man, all that stuff combined with beer might be problematic, eh? Personally, I do not give a flying fuck which sports collectives are participating in Super Bowl on "Super Sunday."

Sidebar: I always thought

was the first day of the week, but

teaches us Sunday is the last day of the week, according to this thing called

:

Only Super Bowl could make me learn about

and also be concerned with what day of the week Sunday is, you know? Thanks, Super Bowl! This whole ISO 8601 thing means Super Bowl reaches out Uniformly now, across Time and Space and Groundhog Day. You could get all Conspiratorial about ISO 8601 and think this is part of

if you want, but let's keep in mind America already crushed the greatest manifestation of The New World order,

.

Of course, Super Bowl is about

(which is a very American thing), and lotsa people don't like the idea they have been put into the Bowl with the rest of America, so there's gonna be all kinds of Reactionary and Alternative stuff (which is a very American thing) that happens when Super Bowl is supposed to happen, like binge-watching of teevee shows that are somehow aesthetically different from Super Bowl content, and there's gonna be

and

on teevee, and a whole bunch of other bowls, I bet, and if you like any of 'em, you

Super Bowl indirectly (which is a very American thing), except you are watching cheaper, more inferior teevee commercials, and if you do stuff anti-because of Super Bowl (which is a very American thing), you also are acknowledging its Power over your actions. It's generally a good idea to not think too much about anything during Super Bowl, which is a very American thing.

And hey, let's not forget the

! Arrooo! In the run-up to Super Bowl, people will be talking about the "point spread" and the "over/under" and stuff, but I like to do the gambling thing where you pick numbers in a grid and if the numbers you pick coincide with the score of the game, you win. So at various times during the contest, if you are involved in one of these grid deals, you find yourself rooting for both sides, but really just for numbers, which appeals to my non-flying-fuck opinion of which teams are playing.

Also during Super Bowl, there is always an awe-inspiring "

" of Military Aircraft, displaying to America and The World that We The People associate football, and more importantly, Super Bowl, closely with

, and quite frankly I am always worried during Super Bowl that

will attack, since We are all watching Super Bowl, you know? And eating snacks, and gambling, and drinking beer. Take Denver, give the points.

It'd be super if you'd listen to Jim and Joe's Top-Rated Podcast (NSFW), also featuring City Paper's "Spitballin'" columnist Jim Meyer, at

or even on the

. Email

.

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement