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Ultimately it all ends up at "I will be a better Human Being," or, if you are Evil, "I will be an even more Evil Human being than I have ever been in my entire Evil existence, be it so Resolved."

I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER A LOT

about this previous year we just flushed because I am not very much of a looking-back type individual, and sure, that might mean I am doomed to repeat it, historically, but also I'm a year-half-full kinda guy, and while I understand the past year in our collective taillights was full of all kindsa horrible stuff, war, pestilence, an extra Pope, and people just generally being rude, I am optimistic about the Year to Come, especially where I am concerned, and extra-specially, because I am In Control of my Year, already, the new one, the Twenty-Fourteen. Let's go! I hope I am one of the first to recommend a Happy Year, all shiny and New, to every one of you, from every one of me.

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No pressure or anything, because that can be annoying, the "new year" Expectations and stuff, but as long as I'm around this particular Plane of Existence, with respect to Esoteric Cosmology, I think this is gonna be a great New Year, but meanwhile, I am not deep into that whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing, because ultimately it all ends up at "I will be a better Human Being," or, if you are Evil, "I will be an even more Evil Human being than I have ever been in my entire Evil existence, be it so Resolved." Resolutions are just, like, amplifications of whatever your True Nature is and stuff, and I am of the opinion that beating up on You because You are Flawed is just bullshit, man, focus on the Positive, you have a whole New Year, c'mon, we're all just riding the Emanation, you know, from Where it All Began? Even if you don't Believe in Anything, which you don't have to, because this is America, you can lean in a little bit on this Esoteric Cosmology thing, man, I just learned about it on the

, to wit:

You don't even have to dig on a Supreme Being, seriously, all you have to do is acknowledge that everything Began, that's all, and then you can chop it up any way you want! Interpenetration of Planes! The Sound-Vibration! I totally subscribe to this Planes of Existence thing, and that the next one we can get to is either: 1.) Crappy, or like, Zero, and you're stuck there, or 2.) Totally fucking awesome and you're like, "holy shit, I can't believe how much time I spent on that other Plane of Existence worrying about stuff, wow, I am never going back there, and anybody who gets mad at me for not getting in touch, they will so-ooo change their tune when they get here, Planewise!"

Seriously, though, wherever I am in terms of Planes of Existence, I am pretty Self-Actuated or whatever, and pretty happy with the type of Human Being I am. I don't need anybody to examine me, or evaluate me, you know? I'm not personally and introspectively into sitting around and picking stuff outta my navel or whatever, gazing into the Bad Place so I can fix it. I'm fine, man, I know how to look into my own brain on a casual basis, and it's all good, so Happy New Year, let's eat!

Yeah! OK, one Resolution; I totally Resolve to eat better this year. I'm not saying in a Healthful sense, because sure, I will enjoy fruits and vegetables and stuff, I'm talking about how I want to eat out in more and better restaurants this New Year, you know? But I don't hate on

Taco Bell

or whatever, and I have recently become acquainted with that "

$5.55 large pizza

" at the

7-Eleven

, a cheese one or a pepperoni one, you can get, for $5.55, and that's not a bad way to go if you are outta options in the late night, and I have been there, at the 7-Eleven, in the wee hours, looking at the other items they have, the "

" and the "

," and I think you are really doing yourself a favor in terms of not killing yourself as hard, if you go the $5.55 pizza route, because it's mostly just pizza, you know? Happy New Year! If I see you at the 7-Eleven on New Year's Eve, it is because I am working on my Resolution, a plain one or a pepperoni one, but I'd rather get the pepperoni one, just saying, I mean, just Resolving. But really, I'm also gonna go to some nicer places to eat that don't have the heat lamps and the rollie-thing with the "

" floppin' around on there at the 7-Eleven. Look, I would absolutely eat one if I was starving, but I saw how many Ingredients those "Buffalo Chicken Rollers" have, at the 7-Eleven, on the "

" thing, and so as your Nutritionist, you should Resolve to split a $5.55 pizza with me on this Plane of Existence.

Please listen to Jim and Joe's Top-Rated Podcast (NSFW), also featuring

City Pape

r's "Spitballin'" columnist Jim Meyer, at

. Last chance! Email your top ten list to

.

View a gallery of "Nutrition Facts" labels from the 7-eleven at citypaper.com.
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