Not Wanting Rape
So you haven't talked to your therapist about this but you're reaching out for advice online, you're declaring yourself a gay woman but you're starting your post-divorce erotic life hunting for sex with men, you'd like that sex to commence with a "meeting" that is a nonmeeting, and you want to be stalked, roughed up a bit, and fucked by an intruder in a way that bears only a minimal (and constructive) relationship to your having been raped and, before that, sexually abused by an assault squad of family members. Since your letter is full of paradox, can I tell you something paradoxical? Your fantasies are utterly hot and are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but they scream out "Slow down and seek serious counsel!"
Do you see the pattern, NWR? Everything you want, everything you lust for is at the same time somehow avoided or semi-denied? And it's not that you're unwise about yourself. You do draw connections. Father, cousin, mom's boyfriend performed some work on the core of your psyche, where eros lives, and probably laid down some of the wiring for your current yearnings. This does not mean your fantasies are weird (rape fantasies-I'm going to call them that-are among the most common sexual scenarios women imagine while masturbating or having sex), but it does mean you've got some deeper thinking to do before you take real risks. Because what I'm sensing is searing heat, a swirl of confusion, and a deluded hope that you can reliably control the forces you're about to unleash. "I have a safe word." Not necessarily, NWR. Words aren't always going to be heeded by total strangers you've only glimpsed and texted and asked to get rough with you.
I am sounding like a prude and a killjoy. I'm not. I'm pretty sure you can pull off some version of what you wish-with a measure of safety-when you're thinking a little more clearly. I'm all for seizing ecstasy in the present while exorcising the horrors of your past. I'm just saying, know thyself a tad better. When you're thinking more clearly, you'll be a better judge of the right not-rapist, one who will respect your script.
As for your last question-"Am I still a gay girl?"-let go of categories. Our human complexity outdoes the divides. If you're turned on by both genders-and almost every bit of research I've encountered over the last eight years of writing about desire suggests that women often are-count yourself lucky. Your options are enviably wide. -Daniel Bergner
Chris Savage is Michigan's most widely read progressive political blogger. Rachel Maddow calls Chris' blog-Eclectablog.com-"the indispensable Michigan politics source." In addition to his writing, he is an organizer for the Michigan Democratic Party, where work is already under way to return control of Michigan's state government to Democrats in 2014. You can (and should) follow Chris on Twitter @Eclectablog.
I am a 21-year-old straight male. I am in love but miserable. My girlfriend has a bad temper and is extremely needy. She is rude to my 7-year-old brother and gets angry when I spend time with him. She won't allow me to see family or other friends because I have to spend all of my free time with her. Sometimes she hits me when she's angry. She reads all my texts, but when I ask to read hers, she won't let me. The problem is, I love her. She says she can't live without me, and I'm worried that if I break up with her, she'll do something drastic. What can I do? Please help!