For the last decade, the modern cradle of civilization, fair Baltimore, has faced a threat far more repugnant, far more terrifying, and far more difficult to understand when it talks at you: Red Sox Nation. Sure, the Mongols built mounds of human skulls where villages once stood, but they also had a sweet side. They brought cultural and religious tolerance, art and architecture, and truly delicious beef dishes. The dark hordes of Massachusetts, in contrast, come under their great golden banners, bearing the horrifying head and cold, dead eyes of Ben Affleck; they screech with their twisted tongues, making foul utterances about "parking cars" and "wicked pissers." It's a lot like Mordor without all the magical midgets.