Top 10 “Jobs” in Movies, Women’s Version
By Wendy Ward
Rose Byrne as a
famous/rich hot shit/mess
Get Him to the Greek
Julia Roberts as a “
Eat Pray Love
Anna Mouglalis as
fashion designer extraordinare
Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky
Kristen Bell as a
modern art curator
When in Rome.
Cameron Diaz as the
owner of a body shop
Knight and Day.
Michelle Monaghan as Robert Downey Jr.’s
Ginnifer Goodwin as the
fun aunt and ex-sweetheart
of Josh Duhamel in
Ramona and Beezus
Jennifer Aniston doing
god knows what
for that apartment in
The Bounty Hunter
Viola Davis as a
Eat Pray Love
Top 10 Ways to Injure Your Ankle and/or Knee
By Andrea Appleton
, despite your flat feet.
(with your flat feet) on a trail through an unmaintained section of Druid Hill Park, eyes on the distant horizon.
off the rolling office chair that you now use to get around the kitchen because it’s impossible to cook while on crutches.
your first pair of heels in New York City and insisting on wearing them to explore the subway system.
5 Kung-fu sparring
with your best friend who fights just like you, which means that eventually you are going to bang shins.
6 Taking out the recycling
at night, when potholes are present.
7 Missing a step
in clogs, with an entire class of second-graders watching.
8 Fucking Supta-Vajrasana.
on a mossy rock with a 40-pound pack on your back, early in the trip during which your boyfriend was planning to propose.
nothing to do with
weddings or aisles.
Top 10 financial outrages of 2010
By Ed Ericson Jr.
1 Mortgage fraud
morphs into foreclosure fraud. Turns out the crooks who dummied-up all those fraudulent loan docs are just as adept at dummying-up bogus
. But—ruh ro!—this might mean that loan servicers and trusts
. The higher up the food chain this goes, the more money people made by
. If only everyday unemployed folks could do so well by doing so poorly.
2 Income tax rates
for the wealthiest are
. And the plutocrats got five times
: God Bless America!
3 "ObamaCare" becomes law/myth
. As patriots everywhere exclaimed, “It’s health care at GUN POINT!” Too bad it’s not health care for all, or affordable. But, hey, at least it’s not single-payer, right, patriots?
4 Financial "Reform" law passes
. The big banks opposed it, but that doesn’t make it effective. Especially since the big banks also dominate the
5 IRS audits
more small companies,
. Small fry are easier to catch: better for auditors’ careers.
"Honest Services" not a requirement
for pols, bankers,
. Because, really, who knows what that even means?
. Yeah, $550 million is the biggest fine the Securities and Exchange Commission has ever levied. But Goldman Sachs “earned” about $13 billion last year. Goldman doesn’t get to deny guilt, which is kind of good, but its
8 Lehman Bros. Boss Dick Fuld Lies to Congress
Hey, it’s not like he got a blowjob or something important like that.
9 Too Big to Fail Administrator informs world there is no such thing
” Because irony-deafness is a prerequisite for this job.
10 The Federal Reserve told AIG not to disclose payments
. Yes, we found out that U.S. taxpayers gave $13 billion over and above what was necessary to the world’s wealthiest people. But all for a good cause: We saved the system that makes those people unaccountably wealthy.
Top 10 Things Heard by the Person Inside City Paper’s Besty™ Mascot costume While Walking the Mayor’s Christmas Parade
By Besty™ THE CP MASCOT
“Hey, City Paper box!”
“Yay, City Paper!”
“It’s City Paper!”
“Look, the City Paper!”
“City Paper, all you do is print stuff about people who get killed!”
“Hey, it’s the City Paper box!”
“City Paper! I love you!”
“Hey, City Paper, you suck!”
Top 10 mainstream companies with soul-crushing marketing campaigns, new in 2010
By Laura Dattaro
1 Burger King:
You are forever condemned for using a flute-playing hippie mimicking Jimi Hendrix’s immortally awesome onstage guitar burning to hawk some new shitty frozen meat something-or-other.
No mother should want to use your new photo-editing software to change her children’s faces to have a family perfect enough to be proud of on Facebook.
3 State Farm:
You sucked twofold this year: No, man with no soul, saving money is not America’s favorite pastime...
...and no, twentysomethings, your agent cannot appear out of nowhere and pull a sexy, custom-made partner out of his ass.
Yeah, OK, you redid your pizza based on what Americans wanted. Thanks. But did you need to gang stalk a customer—“completely plaster his hometown”—with personalized billboards, tractor trailers, and lawn signs to get him to order a pizza?
Gangster hamsters will not reach any demographic, much less its ideal one. They are neither cute nor badass, and we are not idiots.
A man who orders a different light beer than Miller doesn’t necessarily wear a skirt/carry a purse/have no balls.
7 Victoria's Secret:
Of course your half-naked models can say “I love my body”—they’re fucking Victoria’s Secret models.
Degrading holiday shopping commercials abound, but you really effed up on this one—women of America, we are bonded, beyond everything else, by three simple words: “After Thanksgiving Shopping.” Hear us roar.
9 Pizza Hut:
A pizza is just a pizza. It is not “more one-on-one time with your daughter,” “the reason people come to your budget meeting,” or “what guarantees you a second date.” Unless you/your budget meeting/your choice in dates sucks.
Apple: I know I’m a copy editor, but come on—the iPad can’t simultaneously be “delicious,” “learning,” “bought,” and “fantasy.”
Top 10 Places To Get Jumped On a Bike
(Based on Baltimore City's reported attack statistics from 2008 -'10, and estimated volume of cycling traffic in the area.)
By Michael Byrne
North Charles Street, North Avenue to 25th Street.
Guilford Avenue, North Avenue to 25th Street.
33rd Street, between Greenmount Avenue and the Alameda.
Gwynns Falls Trail, Leakin Park.
Jones Falls Trail, from the North Avenue bridge to Stieff Silver building.
Druid Hill Avenue, between Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and North Avenue.
Gwynns Falls Trail, Westport.
York Road, between Cold Spring Avenue and Northern Parkway.
The Inner Harbor
Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, between Lombard and Mulberry streets.
Top 10 Entertaining Baltimore Tweeps
By Lee Gardner
* The name of this Twitter account was initially mispelled;
regrets the error.
- Media Industry
- Rose Byrne
- Personal Income
- Chanel S.A.
- Anna Mouglalis
- Julia Roberts
- Gwynns Falls Trail
- Recreational and Sporting Goods Industry
- Igor (movie)
- American International Group
- Goldman Sachs Group, Inc.
- Internal Revenue Service
- Federal Reserve
- U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission
- Josh Duhamel
- Ginnifer Goodwin
- Michelle Monaghan
- Igor Stravinsky
- Jennifer Aniston