. Yeah, $550 million is the biggest fine the Securities and Exchange Commission has ever levied. But Goldman Sachs “earned” about $13 billion last year. Goldman doesn’t get to deny guilt, which is kind of good, but its
. Yes, we found out that U.S. taxpayers gave $13 billion over and above what was necessary to the world’s wealthiest people. But all for a good cause: We saved the system that makes those people unaccountably wealthy.
Top 10 Things Heard by the Person Inside City Paper’s Besty™ Mascot costume While Walking the Mayor’s Christmas Parade
By Besty™ THE CP MASCOT
“Hey, City Paper box!”
“Yay, City Paper!”
“It’s City Paper!”
“Look, the City Paper!”
“City Paper, all you do is print stuff about people who get killed!”
“Hey, it’s the City Paper box!”
“City Paper! I love you!”
“Hey, City Paper, you suck!”
Top 10 mainstream companies with soul-crushing marketing campaigns, new in 2010
By Laura Dattaro
1 Burger King:
You are forever condemned for using a flute-playing hippie mimicking Jimi Hendrix’s immortally awesome onstage guitar burning to hawk some new shitty frozen meat something-or-other.
No mother should want to use your new photo-editing software to change her children’s faces to have a family perfect enough to be proud of on Facebook.
3 State Farm:
You sucked twofold this year: No, man with no soul, saving money is not America’s favorite pastime...
...and no, twentysomethings, your agent cannot appear out of nowhere and pull a sexy, custom-made partner out of his ass.
Yeah, OK, you redid your pizza based on what Americans wanted. Thanks. But did you need to gang stalk a customer—“completely plaster his hometown”—with personalized billboards, tractor trailers, and lawn signs to get him to order a pizza?
Gangster hamsters will not reach any demographic, much less its ideal one. They are neither cute nor badass, and we are not idiots.
A man who orders a different light beer than Miller doesn’t necessarily wear a skirt/carry a purse/have no balls.
7 Victoria's Secret:
Of course your half-naked models can say “I love my body”—they’re fucking Victoria’s Secret models.
Degrading holiday shopping commercials abound, but you really effed up on this one—women of America, we are bonded, beyond everything else, by three simple words: “After Thanksgiving Shopping.” Hear us roar.
9 Pizza Hut:
A pizza is just a pizza. It is not “more one-on-one time with your daughter,” “the reason people come to your budget meeting,” or “what guarantees you a second date.” Unless you/your budget meeting/your choice in dates sucks.
Apple: I know I’m a copy editor, but come on—the iPad can’t simultaneously be “delicious,” “learning,” “bought,” and “fantasy.”
Top 10 Places To Get Jumped On a Bike
(Based on Baltimore City's reported attack statistics from 2008 -'10, and estimated volume of cycling traffic in the area.)
By Michael Byrne
North Charles Street, North Avenue to 25th Street.
Guilford Avenue, North Avenue to 25th Street.
33rd Street, between Greenmount Avenue and the Alameda.
Gwynns Falls Trail, Leakin Park.
Jones Falls Trail, from the North Avenue bridge to Stieff Silver building.
Druid Hill Avenue, between Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and North Avenue.
Gwynns Falls Trail, Westport.
York Road, between Cold Spring Avenue and Northern Parkway.
The Inner Harbor
Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, between Lombard and Mulberry streets.