bowler-adorned bartender Jack (Cam Gigandet), who plays keyboard and, yes, writes music, because he has a dream too, and a day later she’s slinging drinks, imitating the dance moves, and angering the proprietor Tess (the freaking stunning Cher as seen through a heavily filtered lens), who didn’t hire her. Give the poor girl a chance to burlesque, Tess! Stage manager, costumer, sassy-girls-in-sparkles-wrangler, and Tess’ gay boyfriend Sean (the sweet and sexy Stanley Tucci) sees the fire in Ali—she’s just like you were Tess! The short-Sean-and-tall-Tess playful pair offers a unified front in the back of the club, tough-mothering the super shortiepants-wearing ladies in the dressing room and enjoying the show while worrying about money. The club is going under, and even Tess’ ex-husband and Burlesque half-owner (the sweaty Peter Gallagher, rowr) can’t fix it.