Hey, Eff You, Pal
In a revelation sure to shock anyone who's lived here more than a week, those do-gooders at Men's Health magazine--the same jokers who recently declared us the seventh-worst city in the country just 'cause we're a bunch of polluted fatties--rank Baltimore as the fourth-angriest city in the country. Just the fourth angriest? Something doesn't seem right here.
The magazine collected data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (high blood pressure), the FBI (aggravated assaults), the Bureau of Labor (workplace deaths), the Texas Transportation Institute (traffic congestion), and the Governors Highway Safety Association (speeding citations). What its researchers learned is that Baltimoreans (or at least Baltimore's men) are a bunch of speeding, disgruntled jerks who are gonna drop dead of a heart attack right after they beat a guy in traffic while waiting to get through the tunnel during Friday rush hour. To which we say: Well, duh.
Perhaps surprisingly, the "winner" of Men's Health's poll is the happiest place on Earth, Orlando, Fla., a city full of ticking time bombs in Mickey Mouse costumes. The whole state of Florida fares pretty badly, with a whopping four cities in the Top 10. The least angry city in the country is Manchester, N.H., a quiet little burg of 107,006 people that looks so cute on its little web site that we just wanna puke.
So is that all there is then--an early, stress-related death, but not before taking as many people with us as humanly possible? Well, Men's Health recommends a multivitamin, which has been shown to chill people out and reduce the risk of heart disease. They also suggest that you don't go to bed mad because you'll wake up still mad the next day. And, yeah, exercise will help, so climb on that stairmaster, you slob.
We'd also just like to take a moment to point out that the No. 1 and No. 3 spots on the Men's Health list are home to our sister papers Orlando Weekly and the Detroit Metro-Times. Surely this is no coincidence.