Artifact Coffee is as hip as Disneyland is unhip, but they are equal in the lengths they'll go to in perfectly curating an artificial world that lavishly indulges your particular tastes. Do you want employees in Mickey Mouse suits, or "Little House on the Prairie" get-ups? A long line for Space Mountain, or a long drip for your pour-over Finca el Puente? "It's a Small World After All" via loudspeaker, or Stevie Nicks—try going to Artifact without hearing Stevie Nicks—on a record player? (Or, God forbid, "Led Zeppelin II," with Robert Plant singing "squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg" while you squeeze a real lemon into your loose-leaf chamomile.) Artifact Coffee is a simulacrum where you might actually see someone reading Baudrillard's "Simulacra and Simulation."