Mr. Wrong: Shoot Shoot Bang Bang

Man, I hate school, seriously, I am so glad I never have to be a student in a classroom ever again. I mean, Education is important, kids, stay in school, Knowledge is Good, but I did my time, I got my paper from High School and Junior College and even college-College, and I never ever have to go back ever again. I have said this before, and it's true, when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself "no school today," and am immediately bathed in a wave of life-affirming Endorphins.

Also, I have worked at schools, for money, as an Adjunct Faculty-type employee (which is basically a very low-paid job where you do pretty much the same thing as a Tenured Full-Time Professor, except you have like, zero Benefits and the aforementioned Low Pay), and that did nothing to change my mind about how School equals Gaol, to wit, there are people who have to be there (inmates/students) and then there are people who voluntarily go there every day (Correctional Officers/Educators), and now with all these shootings happening on College campuses, there's even less difference between a CO and an Educator, because you have goofballs like that retired Brain Surgeon who is running for President of The United States of America saying how there should be more guns in schools so that when there's a nut running around killing people, somebody can shoot them.


He's not the only one saying there should be armed teachers and stuff, but all I have to say is how much does a worker in a Gaol make, you know? I mean the kinda worker who gets to walk around with a shotgun or a pistol or whatever? I bet they make way more than an Adjunct Faculty, you know? If I were a Faculty or whatever, I think I would be all for increasing my Skill Set with some proper Firearms training if it meant a bump in my salary. So, like, if I'm getting four grand to teach a class, how much more for me to teach with a side arm strapped on?

When I was in the Boy Scouts I went to Summer Camp and it had a rifle range, and we did target practice on paper targets, and we did all the safety training on how you never ever point a firearm at somebody, always keep the barrel of the rifle pointed up, where's the safety, and all that stuff that you hear about on the news when people shoot themselves or accidentally shoot somebody else, basic common sense in terms of dealing with a device that can deliver a projectile over a distance via the detonation of an explosive. Guns are dangerous, man.

Also though, guns are fun. There's a place in Glen Burnie called Select-Fire where you can pay money to shoot off all kindsa deadly weapons, machine guns, even, and it's a no-pun-intended blast, man, I'm not gonna lie, and if I were a Teacher or a Professor or an Adjunct Whatever I would take the extra duty of having a gun on me, but personally I don't think it would be a good idea for me to have a gun, because when you have a gun, all you wanna do is shoot it, seriously, I don't care what you think about guns, if you think they all should be banned, if you think everybody should have one, or if you're one of those kooks who thinks you should have a license to own and operate a firearm and that anybody who has some sort of Mental Infirmity maybe should be Prohibited from being near any guns, I don't care where you are on this Topic, if I put a gun in your hand, you would wanna blast something with it! Just like in the Major Motion Picture "Witness" starring Harrison Ford, when the old Amish guy and the little boy, who—SPOILER ALERT—is The Witness, see Harrison Ford's gun (because Harrison Ford is a cop), the Amish dude tells the kid that The Gun of The Hand is for the taking of human life! "What you take into your hands, you take into your heart."

So personally I don't think it would be a good idea for me to have a gun, because first, I would want to use it, you know? Not on people or animals, I'd just wanna shoot at paper targets and then maybe some beer cans and then maybe some rats in the alley, you know? Then when I went to my job as a Teacher, wearing my side arm, I would probably use it to emphasize points I make in my Lectures, to help the students remember better, you know? So if I were teaching about drawing and how to render a shadow, I would be all like, "See students, a shadow is sharpest and darkest at the point of inception, OK? That means the closer the shadow is to the Object, that's when it is very dark and very sharp, and as the shadow spreads from the object, it typically tends to become softer and more diffuse, got it? OK, repeat after me [REMOVES REVOLVER FROM HOLSTER, COCKS HAMMER]: A shadow [BLAM!] is darkest [BLAM!] and sharpest [BLAM!] at the point of inception [BLAM! KA-BLAM!], all right, very good, We'll continue the lesson in a sec, does everybody have their projects? The deadline was today. Who is unprepared?"


Postal: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,

501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278