I've been reading your column for a while, and you always advise kinky people to go seek the same within the kink community. But in my experience, the kink community is very "sex right away, get to know you later"-oriented. So I have two questions. First, as someone who's a bit of an old-fashioned romantic, is there somewhere I can go to find sexually compatible people who are willing to let me get to know them before we fuck? And second, it's very difficult for me to come in vanilla situations, which has caused some awkwardness in the past. My fetish is intense CBT (cock and ball torture), it's pretty specific, and in my (admittedly limited) experience, most guys aren't very willing to let me inflict that kind of pain. Seeing as I'm probably not going to stop dating people from the general pool (shy 24-year-old cub, not into hookups—I take what I can get), do you have any advice for making conventional sex a little better for me?