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What college scandal can teach parents

What college scandal can teach parents
(Dreamstime)

News that 33 wealthy parents were indicted on fraud charges for allegedly trying to bribe or cheat their kids' way into elite colleges was certainly shocking. These kids were already neck-deep in privilege and opportunity.

The comment at a news conference from Andrew Lelling, U.S. attorney for the district of Massachusetts, was telling: "The parents are the prime movers of this fraud."

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Being a snowplow parent who removes any and all obstacles is a recipe for disaster.

"Too many parents want to prepare the road of life for their children rather than preparing their children for the road of life," says Rod Zeeb, author of "Beating the Midas Curse."

All parents, wealthy or not, want the best for their children. But be careful how you define "best," says Elizabeth Lombardo, a psychologist and coach who works with high net-worth clients.

Fostering a notion of conditional self-worth that depends on getting into the best school (or wearing the trendiest clothing or driving the most expensive car) is bound to backfire. Forget about the best college; look for one that's the best fit.

Smoothing the way too much for your kids can lead to imposter syndrome — the feeling that because they haven't earned their successes, they're fooling people into thinking they're better than they really are.

It's often the case that those who create family wealth do so by working hard, making mistakes, picking themselves up and persevering. But kids don't inherit self-discipline, resourcefulness and resilience; they have to develop those qualities themselves. Parents can help by making sure family assets are used in a positive way and by giving their kids a chance to be involved in the family's finances.

Begin with a family mission statement that highlights the values you want to foster: education, entrepreneurship or philanthropy, for example.

For older kids, seed an account for a purpose or a cause they are passionate about and learn how to invest it together. Set an allowance that will enable an older teen or young adult to budget for his or her own expenses. But be prepared to let the cellphone die or to take back the car when the wireless or insurance bills aren't paid.

When Lombardo asks clients who have achieved substantial success to reflect on the best time of their lives, "it tends to be when they were starting out, working extra hours and eating ramen noodles because they couldn't afford anything else," she says. "Working toward a goal makes us feel worthwhile."

Parents, please don't take that away from your kids.

Anne Kates Smith is executive editor at Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine. Send your questions and comments to moneypower@kiplinger.com.

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