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Imaginary Conversations: President Obama addresses the Luke Scott Situation

Ok, maybe it didn't go down this way. But it could have. This week in Imaginary Conversations, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs asks President Obama how he wants to handle the "Luke Scott Situation."

Robert Gibbs: So, there is one more item of business I'd like to discuss, Mr. President. Someone made some bizarre public comments about you this week, and I'm wondering whether you think we should respond.

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President Obama: (Sigh) Was it DeMint again? You know Gibbsy, I'm about ready to see if Great Britain wants to do a sign and trade for the entire state of South Carolina. At this point, I don't know who would complain other than Hootie and the Blowfish fans.

Gibbs: Actually Mr. President, it was a baseball player, outfielder Luke Scott of the Baltimore Orioles. He believes you weren't born in Hawaii, sir. He believes that, constitutionally, you're not eligible to be president.

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President Obama:  Back up for a second, Gibbsy. Baltimore still has a baseball team?

Gibbs: Yes, Mr. President. They have uniforms and everything, sir.

President Obama: That's fascinating. I'm surprised I haven't heard much about them. Are they a stitched together toothless mess, much like the Heath Care Bill?

Gibbs: They are, sir. FEMA has looked into the feasibility of stabilizing the situation, but there is an aging dictator involved, and it's not something we want to get bogged down in. Supposedly, if HBO had renewed The Wire for a sixth season, the institutional failure of Orioles would have been the final piece of David Simon's Baltimore noir.

 President Obama: All the pieces matter, Bob.

Gibbs: It's true, sir. There's a thin line between heaven and here. But what about Scott's comments, Mr. President? Do you wish to respond? I mean, it seems that it doesn't matter how many times we show people your birth certificate, a small percentage of them remain more likely to believe email forwards WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS by an uncle who specializes in fluoride conspiracies. And even though Scott is playing in a sport with an anti-trust exemption and revenue sharing rules that essentially forces the successful teams to prop up the bad ones, he's believes you're a communist sent to destroy his way of life.

President Obama: Gibbsy, I've been jotting down some notes during our conversation, and I've asked Jon Favreau to make a few additions and upload them to my teleprompter. Now I'm going to read them aloud.

Dear Luke -- Let me be clear. We cannot let ... [pause to imply deep reflection] ... the false hopes and partisan divisions of yesterday's broken politics [pause again, look serious] continue to serve as the wedge that widens the distance between us, either as Americans or as sports fans. ... Instead, we must forge new frontiers, form new coalitions, and spread the word until it echoes from the hills of New Hampshire to the deserts of Nevada. We must show people that a pragmatist, egg-headed President with a penchant for annoying people on both sides of the aisle, and an opinionated, but in many respects average designated hitter who strikes out too often with runners on base, can come together and remake the world as it should be. Luke, we are the ones we've been waiting for.

Gibbs: Would you really like me to send this out, Mr. President?

President Obama: No Gibbsy, I was just goofing. I defend his right to say whatever crazy nonsense he wants. I might believe in conspiracies too if I played for that franchise. Just tell him to enjoy his tax break.

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