Baltimore Sun

Imaginary Conversations: Erik Spoelstra calls a press conference

Ok, maybe it didn't go down this way. But it could have. This week in Imaginary Conversations, Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra calls a press conference after his team, now 8-6, dropped consecutive games to Indiana and Memphis.

Erik Spoelstra: Hello everyone. Thank you for joining me today on such short notice. I regret to say I've called this press conference to announce that, after much thought, I've decided to step down as head coach of the Miami Heat because I feel I need to spend more time with my family.


 Skeptical old school reporter: Family? You're like 11 years old, Spoelstra. What family?

Spoelstra: Actually, what I meant to say is that I am suffering from exhaustion. Doctors have told me it is in my best interest to rest up and focus on my health.


Reporter: Exhaustion? I saw you running on the treadmill this morning at the practice facility. You were running at a full sprint, uphill for two hours and barely sweating.

Spoelstra: I am entering sex rehab. And thinking of going to graduate school. Also, I am homesick. I never got to backpack across Europe and want to do that before it's too late. This decision is completely my own.

Pat Riley: Alright everyone, I'm going to cut things off there and wrap it up on that note. It's a shame what happened to Erik, but l have reluctantly agreed to resume my coaching duties for the rest of this season. For those of you interested in covering tomorrow's practice, please be advised the schedule has changed a bit. It will be four hours of wind sprints followed by a two-hour weightlifting session. Thank you all for coming.

LeBron James: Coach Riley, my elbow hurts. I need to take my talents to the trainer.

Chris Bosh: We still get paid every two weeks, right?

Spoelstra: I wonder if Stan Van Gundy is hiring.