Tonight's Dancing With the Stars finale kicks off with a big group performance with all the pros and stars (except Michael Bolton, who's in London, and Audrina Patridge, who is "recovering from an illness"), choreographed by Jason Gilkison.
After revisiting last night's performances, Tom Bergeron gives a rundown on how the scoring works, to head off more OMG CONSPIRACY talk. Based on the judges' scores, each dancer's share of the judges's scores is determined. Then this "share" is added to each dancer's "share" of the viewer's votes. "The couple with the highest total wins," he says. Does that make sense to you?
Jennifer Grey joins Tom and Brooke on stage to tell them that though she ruptured a disc last night, she went to the hospital this morning and her doctor fixed her up, and she will be dancing tonight. Tom opts not to tell her to break a leg.
Before the final dancing rounds, Christina Aguilera hits the stage to sing "Show Me How You Burlesque," which is, shockingly, from her new film, "Burlesque."
For the next round, the competitors have to pick their favorite dance from the season and revisit it.
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer choose their tango, and take it to a new level. You can really tell how much he has learned and how far he's come. Len Goodman says he always comes out full energy and is so much fun to watch. Bruno Tonioli says he's "a stage animal" and a hard worker who listens to their constructive criticism. Carrie Ann Inaba showed his power and his control and fluidity and how much he's learned. She adds that they have so much "freshness."
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas also choose their tango, which Mark calls her "breakthrough dance." They bicker about whether to break hold, which they were docked for last time. She wants to since that was their really fun moment -- and they do. But it's still not great. Bruno says she has earned her place in the finale with her hard work. Carrie Ann says this was her favorite dance of hers and showcased her improvement. Len says she and Kyle are flip sides of a coin -- he's all performance and she's more precise. So it's about which one you prefer.
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough opt for their Viennese waltz from the first week. Jennifer says the first time, she was connected to the past and now she's connected to the present and Derek. During the performance, you can see her daughter in the front row, clapping for her with glee, and it's just so adorable I want to cry. Also, the dancing is phenomenal. Carrie Ann says it's nice to see people's journey and that you could see the new wisdom of her body. Len says she is the complete package. Bruno says she had artistry, quality of movement and musicality. Lovely!
Now the judges will rank them and give the top couple a 10, the middle a 9 and the bottom an 8. Kyle and Lacey get a 9-8-9, for a 26/30. Wait. Len put Kyle below Bristol? REALLY? (Ha, Lacey is visibly surprised.) Bristol and Mark get 8-9-8, for a 25/30. Jennifer and Derek, then, get the 10-10-10, the only available scores left, for a 30/30.
Then, the finalists draw numbers for the instant cha-cha, and Kyle is first, Jennifer is second, and Bristol is third.
Next, there is an insane David Hasselhoff bit, in which he, among other things, sings the Baywatch theme song. What is going on? I haven't seen anything quite like that since I had a nightmare while on painkillers.
Montage of pros talking. The pros talk a lot.
Speaking of talking, Kurt Warner and Rick Fox talk lots of trash and have a dance faceoff to prove who's a better athlete. No, who's a better dancer. No, wait, who's taller. No, um, who got higher scores all season. No, maybe, who lasted longer by viewer votes. No, they're just having fun. But I think they're lucky they aren't getting scored on that.
Margaret Cho and Florence Henderson do a "Copacabana" themed dance (with their partners Louis Van Amstel and Corky Ballas in tow). Too funny.
The Situation then does a "dance" with Karina and two other women, but it's horrifying for a number of reasons. One is that there is a cover of "I'm Too Sexy." Only Right Said Fred can pull that song off. Also, it's slow, which is weird. Then, he's not really even dancing. Then, he keeps rubbing his nose and then grabbing the hand of one of his partners. Gross. And then at the end one of his partners totally fondles him.
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy get to reprise a dance, too. They do their TV-theme week quickstep to the Friends theme song. Awww, I miss them.
Christina Aguilera returns to the stage to sing "Beautiful" along with the most efficient fog machine known to exist.
Finally, the three remaining couples do their instant cha-cha to "Raise Your Glass." Len says Bristol came out on fire, and Kyle was a marvel, and Jennifer was "always right up there." Bruno says Jennifer was perfection, Kyle scorching hot and Bristol saved the best for last. Carrie Ann says everyone brought their A-game, and they all showed why there were there.
These final scores will be combined with last night's scores and make up half the vote, with last night's viewer votes making up the other half.
Kyle and Lacey get a 9-9-10, for a 28/30.
Jennifer and Derek pull a 9-9-10, for a 28/30 too.
Bristol and Mark get 9-9-9, for a 27/30.
Kudos to Bruno for not giving everyone the same score in the final round, rendering it pointless.
The third-place couple is Bristol and Mark. She says it's been a life-changing experience and she wouldn't trade it for anything.
At long last, the winner is announced: The new Dancing With the Stars champions are Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough, with Kyle and Lacey the runners-up.
Jennifer is thrilled she was able to compete in the final round tonight, and Kyle's had a blast.
What do you think about the results?