'Bachelor Pad': Let's do the (nonexistent) twist

Bucky's back to take on Bachelor Pad as it nears its end (THANKFULLY)!:

So, here we are, back at the television, with a renewed sense of purpose and a much better attitude than last week.  We know from the previews that this is the night the three extra females get sent home and we are confident that the producers have dreamed up a great, twisty way to accomplish that.
To review where we are:  we have three couples (David & Natalie, Kiptyn & Tenley and Kovacs & Elizabeth, whom I've decided to call "Shallow Sally with the Silicone Valley", or "S4" for short, for the rest of the night.) and three singles (Nikki, Gwen and Ashley).  We also have Jesse B & Peyton who weren't a couple, then were a couple, then weren't a couple.  So they are in a category all their own.
There is a short post-rose-ceremony party where nothing of consequence happens.  


The next morning Chris arrives to tell the contestants (who haven’t seen the previews yet) that three girls will be leaving before the first challenge, in order to even up the the gender count.  But he doesn’t tell them how it will be determined which three will take the limo ride.  He tells all the girls to go pack their bags.

We see many angst-ridden interviews with the girls who are all convinced that they will be leaving.


Chris returns and leads the contestants out to the patio where we see what has to be the fanciest spin-the-bottle table ever constructed.  This will clearly play a part in the selection.

Then Chris says that each of the four remaining guys will get to pick one girl to stay with him, and for the rest of the season the guys will play as a couple with the girls they select.  The three girls who aren’t selected will leave the mansion immediately.

What?  WHAT?  THIS IS THE FREAKING TWIST?  The guys get to pick between the girls they are sleeping with, while the girls who have some self-respect remaining will go home?

Let me point out here that ABC is owned by the Walt Disney Corporation.  That’s probably why they picked the most Mickey Mouse way of balancing the gender count that could possibly be conceived—sort of a product-placement strategy.  ABC stinks.  And my bad attitude has returned.

Oh, the fancy-schmancy spin-the-bottle table will be used to determine the order in which the guys pick their partners, as if the order matters at all.

Kiptyn picks Tenley (with a little bit of drama about whether he should pick Nikki because Nikki saved his butt earlier in the game).  Kovacs picks S4 because he doesn’t have the


to do anything else.  Jesse B goes next and there is a little drama about who he will pick, because Peyton wouldn’t spend the night in the fantasy suite with him on their last date.  But Jesse B is a dope and picks Peyton anyway, probably because he doesn’t want to be a three-time loser (remember, he first hooked up with Natalie) on national television.  Finally, David picks Natalie, telling the other girls as he struts in front of them, “You are all awesome and classy, but I’ve got to pick Natalie.”  Natalie doesn’t even realize David has called her unawesome and classless and is thrilled.

The three rejected girls, Nikki, Ashley and Gwen, say their good-byes.  The chosen girls cry fake tears while the rejected girls cry real tears.

The couples are now teams, in addition to being couples.  They have some time before the challenge. (They don’t know what it will be.)

Kovacs & S4, anticipating that they might have a Bachelor Pad version of “The Dating Game” use the time to drill each other on what they know about each other.  S4 knows nothing about Kovacs, but Kovacs lets it slip that S4 takes the herb ginkgo biloba to improve her memory.  Apparently, silicone counteracts the effects of ginkgo, because S4 doesn’t remember anything about Kovacs.

Kiptyn and Tenley make out because, Tenley informs us, she likes kissing.


Jesse B and Peyton use the time to argue about the correct way to peel and eat a banana, thinking, I guess, that this could win them $250,000.

David and Natalie talk about David, with David taking the lead in the conversation.

Chris and Melissa, who will now host as a couple, return.  They tell the contestants that the winners of today’s challenge will win a date and immunity roses.  The other three couples will face an elimination vote, with the losing couple being sent south the 101.  The challenge is a water balloon toss.

David & Natalie last the longest in the challenge, winning the date and immunity roses.

Jesse & Peyton immediately resign themselves to being voted off, since the other three couples have been tight with each other for the entire season.  However, Natalie gets Peyton alone and says she thinks Kovacs & S4 should be sent packing and, if Peyton can do the heavy lifting with Kiptyn & Tenley, she (Natalie) will try to convince David to go along.  So we have some drama building.

The date card arrives and it reads, “Are you ready to spend the night under the stars?”  This befuddles everyone but Tenley, who is sure it means that David & Natalie are “going on a rocket.”  No, really.  The first time she said it, I thought she was joking.  But then she said it two more times. Can she really be that dumb?  Was she that dumb when she competed on “The Bachelor”?

Anyway, David & Natalie get a Lamborghini to drive on their date and there is a scene where Kovacs & S4 discover it, that is so annoying that I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen.  Or if it had to happen, the guys from Goofy, Inc. didn’t really put it in the broadcast.

David & Natalie finally leave in the Lambo and we follow their date, which consists of many scenes where Natalie talks lovingly about David and David talks lovingly about David and then they have sex.  At this point the dates themselves are boring and gratuitous, because there is nothing at stake.  No additional immunity roses, no deciding they don’t like each other, no fantasy-suite-will-they-or-won’t-they suspense.

Back at the mansion, Kovacs and S4 decide to sneak into the fantasy suite there, I guess because it is the only place they haven’t hooked up yet.  They have sex, and then S4 gets all self-absorbed because she didn’t think it was romantic enough.  But there isn’t much she can do about it now—she can’t blackmail Kovacs they way she used to, because they are a team now.  So the suspense is gone there, too.

Anyway, they argue for a while and then S4 says, “I love you.”  I didn’t hear exactly what Kovacs said back, but I’m pretty sure it was, “I love me, too.”

The next morning David & Natalie return and David immediately asks, “Where’s Kovacs?”  Told that he and S4 spent the night in the fantasy suite, he and Natalie run upstairs and jump on the bed.  Then—and I swear I’m not making this up—David and Kovacs cuddle.  It’s a semi-masculine cuddle, but it’s a cuddle nevertheless.  GACK!

We get some more strategizing with Peyton talking to Tenley and Tenley talking to Kiptyn and Kiptyn musing about how much fun it would be to stab Kovacs in the back.  Metaphorically speaking.  I think.


Chris & Melissa come down from the fantasy suite to announce that it is time for voting to commence.  (OK, I’m not sure where they came from, they just appear out of thin air, like always.)


But ... there’s a TWIST!  Chris tells the contestants that, while they will be either voted off or voted safe as couples, the actual votes will be cast individually.  This changes all of the math and now, if Kiptyn & Tenley, together with Jesse B & Peyton and Natalie (now free to do what she wants) all vote for Kovacs and S4, this show will get better immediately.  Kiptyn agonizes over whether he should be loyal or strategic with his vote.

There is much whispered discussion and we are led to believe that it is


to Kovacs and Shallow Sally and her Silicone Valley.

But ... nope.  Jesse B & Peyton are voted off.  In a cut-away, we learn that Natalie was a rat and voted with David, even though she didn’t have to.  (We don’t know how Kiptyn resolved his inner-crisis.)

Next week:  the finale!  It can’t come soon enough.

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