No sex please, we're eating

I know that makes me sound like the old married lady that I am. (Math-hubby and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary on Sunday.) But when I go out for food and drink, I'm seeking food and drink, not titillation.

Maybe I'm in the minority on this one. How else to explain the popularity of the hottie-latte joint my colleague Sam Sessa wrote about this week?

Java Divas in Pasadena offers coffee drinks served by scantily clad young women. The costumes change with the day of the week. On back-to-school Thursdays, the servers show off short-short plaid skirts and lots of skin.

Wait. I take it back. Now that I think about it, the schoolgirl shtick is TOTALLY appropriate given that some of the servers look like they've just gotten their braces off. What kind of foodie cred could Maryland claim if it couldn't support a coffee shop devoted to pedophilic fantasies?

Which brings me to this week's list:

Top Ten tacky sexualizations of the dining experience

No. 1: Java Divas

Coffee served in B-, C- and D-sized cups. Classy.

No. 2: Naked Sushi

Raw fish served atop women in the raw. It almost came to Baltimore. Yikes!

No. 3: Hooters

No. 4: Dick's Last Resort

This new Inner Harbor gem sells thong panties and raunchy T-shirts in addition to bar food. Sounds like a great place to take the kids after visiting the aquarium.

No. 5: Belly dancing at Moroccan restaurants

I don't really object to this unless the dancers come around after their performances and ask the men to stuff dollar bills into their costumes, as they did at one San Francisco restaurant I visited years ago. Ick.

No. 6: Scores

The Fallsway strip joint bills itself as a "Gentleman's Club and Steakhouse." The lunch special looks unbeatable: 8-ounce certified Angus ranch-cut steak with a side for $3.99. I'm afraid the view would spoil it for me. But it's possible that it's a good meal. The New York Times' Frank Bruni once declared a strip joint steak one of New York's best.

No. 7: Tryst, in The Wynn in Las Vegas

Amateur pole dancing as dinner theater: guests get to try out the stripper pole while dining. That's one way to work off the creme brulee.

No. 8:  The "Seinfeld" diner that only employed busty women

Oh, wait. I think Elaine eventually found out they were all sisters. Never mind.

No. 9: Restaurant patrons who expose their underwear

This was a problem at Pazo a couple years ago, forcing Tony Foreman to add "No visible underpants" to the list of more run-of-the-mill dress code don'ts. Foreman put the problem of low-rise bottoms and high-rise thongs in NFL terms when I talked to him about the matter nearly two years ago: "Overly dramatic display of thong. You walk by it and you want to throw a yellow flag.

"There are a lot of people who put an awful lot of effort in their appearance," Foreman continued. "They expect a certain quality of cocktails, they expect staff to be amazing, they expect the room to be amazing, they expect the music to be groovy. And it's reasonable to expect while they're sipping their fabulous martinis that they're not going to be looking at your fabulous drawers."

No. 10: Any restaurant where Anthony Bourdain worked before he got clean

"Sex, drugs, sex near food while on drugs," is how

Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential."

Coffee, black, hold the sex. Tribune photo