Phoenix is rising. I'm just not sure where from — or where he's going next.

I sort-of expected the just-released trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's Crazy Lost Year documentary "I'm Still Here" to clear things up a bit. Is the film, directed by Phoenix's brother-in-law Casey Affleck, a mockumentary? Did Phoenix really quit Hollywood to become a rapper? Was that beyond-awkward David Letterman interview a stunt? And, most importantly, did he ever shave that Civil War-soldier beard that I hear is now home to endangered baby whooping cranes? The trailer's just one minute long, but it's a whirling dervish of confusion. "I'm Still Here" still doesn't have a Baltimore release date, so in the meantime, let's bask in the trailer's zany glow. •••• Half of the trailer contains a strange philosophical monologue from someone unidentified who's counseling Phoenix. Or something. "That's you," the philosopher says. "Drops of water. And you're on top of the mountain of success. But you start sliding down the mountain and you think, 'Wait a minute. I'm a mountaintop water drop." Uh-huh. This is why I skipped so many intro to philosophy classes in college. That, and because all the Power Point lectures were saved on the class website.

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•••• The most typical shot in the trailer: anguish. The holding-your-hands-in-your -unkempt-hair variety. These scenes usually take place in what appear to be upscale hotel rooms.

•••• Looks like Sean "Diddy" Combs was on hand to give some of his extensive rapping expertise! Or give Phoenix a much-needed hug. Either/or, really.

•••• If there's any stronger evidence that you've gone loco, it's a mini-beer belly.

•••• Could Phoenix have gone mad from the surely lethal combination of strobe lights, douchey clubs and haphazard stage-diving?

•••• What's this? An uplifting visit to a church?! I feel a tear coming on.

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