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'Bachelor Pad': Make it stop

Bucky takes on another episode of Bachelor Pad. Poor Bucky.:

OK, while I'm waiting for Bachelor Pad to start tonight, I have a pretty good idea and I'm giving it to ABC free of charge.  On the next season of Bachelor Pad, forego the loser Bachelor(ette) contestants, who are all pretty boring.  Bring some real drama to the show by having divorced couples as contestants.  And not just any divorced couples ... how about Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren?  Sandra Bullock and Jesse James?  Heidi Montag and that idiot she married but is now (wink, wink) divorcing?  You see the beauty of this idea, right?  Al and Tipper Gore?  Hey!  Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller? ... now that's what I'm talkin' about.  Real drama.

Huh?  You would watch, right?  Imagine they have, say, a semi-naked putt-putt golf challenge and Tiger wins.  Who would he ask out on the date?  ("Every female contestant except Elin" is the NOT correct answer.  He would take Melissa along, too. And if there's a female producer on set, Tiger would take her, as well.  If the limo driver was a girl ... count her in, too.)  Now THAT'S entertainment.

So, we come to the fourth installment of Bachelor Bad, Couples vs. Singles and you can't tell the players without a scorecard:

Couples remaining:  Jesse K & the Evil Elizabeth, Kiptyn & Tenley, David & Natalie and, it looks like, Jesse B and Peyton.  However, Jesse B and Peyton are sort of on the fence, alliance-wise.

Singles remaining:  Wes, Ashley, Gwen, Krisily, Nikki.  If the single girls can get Peyton on their side (and somehow manage to stick together), they can send one of the Couples Alliance guys home.  Otherwise, it looks like the show will end with a cowboy strummin' his guitar as he rides off into the sunset singin', "Happy trails to you ..."


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Oh, and I am PSYCHED to see what the twist is, that will balance up the girl number of contestants to the guy number.  There's got to be some drama coming in that.

The show begins ...

... as usual with the post-rose-ceremony party.  David is still feeling sorry for himself, because he is an arrogant jerk.  He gets into an argument with Wes and there's some, "Oh yeah?", "Yeah", "Oh yeah?", "Yeah", stultifyingly mind-numbing back-and-forth between the two.
 
(Let me state for the record:  the number of ways I've come to hate this show would fill a quire.  I'm sorry I ever committed to SKK that I would recap it.  It is the worst reality show I've ever watched and for those of you who don't know, last summer, I guest-recapped "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here" for this blog.  But I digress...)
 
At the end of the party, the doorbell rings and out on the front stoop are some surveys that each contestant is told to fill out honestly and keep their answers secret.
 
The next day begins with Wes, alone in the jacuzzi, grieving over the loss of his true love Gia at the previous night's rose ceremony.  At one point he sinks under the water and we go to commercial with the distinct impression that he drowned himself.

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No such luck.
 
Melissa arrives for the day's challenge.  The votes from the previous night's survey have been tabulated and the contestants will have to guess how the majority of the players answered the questions.  They will have to disclose their guesses publicly, ensuring that everyone but David gets their feelings hurt. (He is exempt because he has no feelings, unless self-absorption is a feeling, which I don't think it is.)
 
This challenge was fundamentally stolen from "Survivor" (which didn't get an Emmy nomination, but don't even get me started on that) and made infinitely more complicated than it needs to be.
 
Recapping quickly, the questions and "winners" are:

Who do you think will win the $250,000?  Kiptyn

Who is your biggest enemy in the house?  Krisily

Who is the most shallow person in the house?   Elizabeth (who says she doesn't even know what "shallow" means.)

Who is the dumbest person in the house?  Gwen

Who is the object of the most secret crushes?  David (who votes for himself, of course.)

Who will always be a bridesmaid and never a bride?  Natalie

Who is the biggest jerk in the house?  Wes

Who has the worst boob job in the house?  Elizabeth
 
Tenley and Jesse B win the competition, immunity roses and one-on-one dates with the person of their choosing.  Also they will get to give that person an immunity rose if they want.  And fantasy suites await ...
 
But first we have to deal with the hurt feelings from the survey challenge.  Natalie is crying because nobody thinks she would make a good wife.  The fact that in the space of ... what? ... ten days in real time? ... she slept with both Jesse B and David doesn't seem to connect with her.
 
And Elizabeth is crying because ... well, I'm not sure.  She said she didn't know what "shallow" meant, so we have to assume she is exceedingly upset that people have noticed her crappy fake boobs.  Jesse K comforts her and tells her that she is beautiful.  Oh, that Kovacs has a sense of humor.  But, get this:  it works and Elizabeth stops crying.
 
Tenley picks Kiptyn for her date, of course. And they helicopter off to Catalina Island, which isn't Las Vegas, but it is better than an Irwindale drag strip (again, my apologies to the fine city of Irwindale.)  Kiptyn tells us this is his first helicopter ride.

They do some zip lines and we get a whole passel of metaphors (or were they similes?) about how zip lines are like relationships.  Of course, because both Tenley and Kiptyn were Bachelor(ette)-trained, neither identifies the true comparison:  relationships formed on reality television dating shows are like zip lines because both inevitably go only downhill.
 
Kiptyn kisses Tenley passionately and then tells us, "a helicopter ride, zip line and kissing Tenley ... this is the best day of my life."  (Note to Elizabeth:  that's "shallow".)
 
They end their date with dinner on the beach (Kiptyn gets the immunity rose), the fantasy suite and, you know, moan-inducing activities.
 
Jesse B picks Peyton for his date and she is all ga-ga over the possibilities, both romantic and strategic.
 
They go flying in a bi-plane and Peyton says, "I feel like I'm at Pearl Harbor," misidentifying the war by only one Roman numeral.  One doesn't really expect these contestants to have studied history, but didn't she ever read "Peanuts" where Snoopy was the World War I flying ace?
 
After the flight, they have dinner in the hangar where we learn that Jesse's favorite food is steak and Peyton's favorite meal is corndogs and funnel cakes.  I think I'm in love with Peyton.  Jesse is, too, because he gives her the immunity rose right off the bat.
 
Jesse B, gets sloshed.  They start with champagne and then Peyton fixes him his first martini (with vodka, for gawdsakes, but this is corn dog girl, so I'll let it pass) then he has a vodka champagne.  He starts acting like a dope, belching and at one point inexplicably sticking his finger up Peyton's nose.
 
When time for the fantasy suite question rolls around, Peyton says no, the romance is gone.  They head back to the bunkhouse, where the others are engaged in a serious discussion of the definition of "hooking up."
 
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
 
Oh, and another thing that irritates me is that ABC keeps doing a "LaBron, The Decision"-type promotion about "Dancing With The Stars."  All night.  (On the other hand, I did eventually learn that Florence Henderson was still alive, which I didn't realize.)
 
Anyway, rose ceremony day comes and we get the usual clips of people lying to each other.  I'm not going to recap all that, except to say that David promises Krisily that she isn't going home.
 
Krisily and Wes are voted off the show.
 
It is sort of cool that after the vote, Krisily lays into all the Couples Alliance contestants.  And, as she is driven away, David tells us that he's sorry she showed "no class" when the vote was announced.  David says this.  David.  That lying sack of sheep [manure] criticizes Krisily for having "no class."
 
Shoot me now, would you please?

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