In a stunning (pun intended) announcement Wednesday, the Philadelphia Phillies said security personnel would no longer use Taser guns on fans who jump onto the field during games, but instead would chase and beat those fans senseless with Louisville Slugger bats.
No, we kid.
Actually what the Phillies announced Wednesday was that their own security personnel -- and not Philadelphia police officers -- would chase and apprehend field jumpers from now on.
The announcement came two days after 17-year-old Steven Consalvi jumped on the field in the eighth inning of Monday's Phillies-St. Louis Cardinals game and led beefy security personnel on a wild chase before he was subdued with a Taser gun wielded by a Philly police officer.
From now on, said the Phillies, police officers would be used to subdue field jumpers only if more force is necessary.
In an equally stunning (no pun intended this time) move, Consalvi's lawyer issued a statement saying that Consalvi's "family hopes and prays that people will understand that teenagers do impulsive things."
Um, "impulsive?"
Didn't Consalvi admit to calling his dad prior to jumping on the field?
And asking his dad what he thought of the idea?
And hearing his dad say he didn't think it was such a good idea?
Doesn't sound too impulsive when you weigh all that.
One final note on the whole episode: when another fan jumped on the field during Tuesday night's Phillies-Cards game -- one night after Consalvi's antics -- the crowd booed and chanted "Tase him!" according to wire reports.
Only in Philly.
No wonder I like that city.