Dancing with the Stars Week 4: Tango de rhumba

It's double-score showdown night on "Dancing with the Stars" with the contestants getting two scores -- one for technique and the other for performance. And ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has a bad back as she preps for the tango.

Wow. My back hurts just watching Andrews move. But Bruno was not so impressed. He said she lost de magic about halfway through. I think she hurt de back.


Yikes only 18 for technique, and 21 for performance. Erin says she needs your votes, because those scores are kind of weak. She's right. Given her back, I think she might secretly want a ticket on a fast train home.

Oh lord, more video before the commercial break of Kate Gosselin whining about how hard her life is. Spare me, please. Send this woman home. I am surprised Tony has not yet gone mad. I'm going mad. Just dance, Kate. Actually practice for 10 seconds instead of whining, prancing around like a diva and telling Tony what a poor teacher he is, and dance.


Keep checking back, because I'll keep posting after each couple.

Bruno is freaking out over Olympic figure skater Evan Lysachek and his partner, Anna, and their tango.

"A hint of catlike arrogance," Bruno says of Evan. I love Bruno phony as he is. As for the dance, Evan and Anna did have it going on -- even with his broken toes.

Very good -- 26 out of 30 for technique, and 26 for performance. I think they are going to be highest for the second week in a row.

Here comes Niecy Nash and Louis doing the rhumba. Louis says it's "very spiritual."

"Dancing with the Stars" is about a lot of things -- some of them even culturally profound. But the "spiritual" is not one of them. I am not thinking "spiritual" when I see Pamela Anderson dance. Spare me the "spiritual" talk, OK Louis?

Louis might talk crazy, but he sure can dance. He and Niecy looked nice. She had real grace, and he set up her every smooth move.

But the judges are ripping them. Len, Bruno, Carrie Ann -- none of them liked the dance. Niecy's in tears. Only 18 for technique, and 18 for performance -- the lowest yet.

Hey Louis, next time forget the spiritual. Go for de flesh.

Oh, this is too much Edyta is saying how "shy" Aiden Turner is. He's an ACTOR, please! Oh, there's video of Aiden taking his shirt off for adoring female fans. So shy, so shy.

I can tell by the two strips of Reynolds Wrap that Edyta is wearing that she is really, really shy, too. As self-absorbed as a soap opera actor can be, I don't think he is any match for Ms. Edyta. PS. He still stinks as a dancer, but that is some outfit Edyta put together tonight.

Len is shredding Aiden, and Bruno is being downright vicious. Give it up, Aiden. But Edyta definitely gets trashiest outfit of the night.

A new low: 15 for technique, and 18 for performance. Aiden, you are pitiful.

Derek, the dance boy, and Nicole Scherzinger keep saying the rhumba is the "dance of love." I thought that was the bossa nova -- as in "Blame it on de bossa nova, de dance of love." Am I wrong? I don't think so.

Stop, please. More Kate Gosselin "poor me" video.

Poor Tony, not poor Kate. He has to stand there and listen to her nonsense. He should just use his right hand to make a quacking motion next to his ear when she talks -- or put his fingers in his ears and start singing "America, The Beautiful." How does he stand it?

Wow, Nicole is fabulous -- just like last week. Give the globe to her or Evan now, and end this farce with Kate Gosselin.

The crowd is going nuts. Kudos to Derek, too. But the judges are not being so nice. Kind of nitpicky, if you ask me. Not bad, 25 out of 30 for technique, and 25 for performance. That's good. What's the problem?

Stop the video of Jake Pavelka, too. No one is phonier than Kate, but Jake is close. Chelsie, his partner, is a piece of work, too.

Whew, they just did a multiple spin up and down the stage stairs, and I'm a little impressed in spite of myself.

Brono says "dees tango was very, very, very, very messy." Carrie Ann says they are "not connected emotionally or physically."

Of course, they are not connected to each other -- Jake can only connect to himself. They get 19 for technique, and 19 for performance. Not so good, Mr. Romance.

Boo-hoo Kate Gosselin is now saying, "Everyday I wake up and look at the news to see what hell I am going to go through."

These video bites with her whining are really quite insane.

Oh man, now she's complaining about how everyone has an advantage over her: "Erin was a cheerleader."

Oh here is the vote plea: "If I get voted off, I'll feel like I quit."

At least Tony had the right outfit for the roles he's been playing as Kate's instructor: quasi-bondage with the chains and leather. I have to say it, though, Kate is doing better on the dancefloor. It would be hard to do worse, no?

Bruno says Kate was dancing " the tiniest drop." Carrie says she's "proud" of Kate and she has "real respect" for her. Len gives Tony some kudos, and that's nice.

Oh yikes, a 14 for technique. Nice words, but harsh score. And they get 18 for performance. That is officially the lowest score of the night.

OK, America, do what is righteous: Vote Kate Gosselin off the show, so she can go out and promote the book everybody knows she didn't write. (UPDATE: Zlogger Irene says early reports on the book are so bad maybe Kate really did write it. Be careful what you wish for, I guess, is the message here.)

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl showed more progress for the second week in a row. Now here's someone who is working on it. The judges were lavish in their praise -- and well they should have been. Good for Ocho.

Wow, Chad gave Cheryl a diamond ring. Is that for real?  Man, those NFL guys sure know how to show their gratitude. This show is so kitschy, post-postmodern trashy.

They get 21 for technique, and 23 for performance. Good rhumba, Ocho.

Wow, I hope the kids were in bed before Pamela Anderson closed the show with her slinky rhumba. Len is gushing. Bruno is practically on his knees. Carrie Ann, "There was magic happening."


Pamela and Damian get 23 for technique, and 24 for performance. Viva Pamela. Check out Anderson's finale on the video here -- if you dare. Here is someone who is working in the rehearsal hall -- not whining.