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'Dancing with the Stars' Week 3: Telling crazy stories

All right, Evan Lysachek!

What a great opening with a tuxedo-clad, 1920's-style quick-step by Evan and Anna. The judges are giving him some grief about the size of his feet. But the Olympic figure skater has been knockout week after week.

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Yikes, he has "a couple of broken toes," and he moves like this. Twenty-six points. Good for them.

Too bad that such excellence and judging points apparently don't matter with the crazy voting scheme that promotes Kate Gosselin over Shannen Doherty.

Yikes, they played the uniform and military cards with Buzz Aldrin and his partner using dance to tell the story of a father coming home from war and dancing with his daughter.

Wow, judge Len Goodman just trashed them.

KEEP REFRESHING, BECAUSE I WILL KEEP WRITING AFTER EACH COUPLE.

Aldrin called himself a "patriotic geezer," and you would think that kind of self-deprecation would help.

Wrong. They got only 13 points. Buzz Aldrin is finding no mercy from judges on this show.

Could Jake Pavelka, a.k.a. Mr. Romance, whine more? Oh, poor Jake, again in the taped rehearsal segments, he says he can't concentrate when Chelsie is mean to him. And this week, he felt like she was disrespecting him to boot.

Boo-hoo, you phony wimp. As Mr. Rogers might have put it, "Can we say man up, Jake?"

But I liked the "Walk Like an Egyptian" quick-step Chelsie came up with. Twenty-one from the judges. Not bad, but not great either.

Lots of tears from Niecy Nash as she and her partner, Louie, talk about race and the story they plan to tell in their waltz about what they describe as a "cross-racial couple."

Niecy hits a bunch of emotional buttons -- right down to the tears. And the audience loves it.

Another 21 -- not exactly a winning total. But it probably enough to keep them around -- unless the producers are desperate for another star to throw under the bus so Kate Gosselin can advance.

OK, Chad Ochocinco does the paso doble, a dance modeled after the bullfight. The story: He's trying to seduce her, but she's not interested. Chad's showing some skin -- anything to advance, I guess.

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Bruno loves it. He's on his feet and can't praise Ochocinco enough. All the are judges telling the football star how much he improved. I wonder if Kate Gosselin will show this kind of improvement.

Chad and Cheryl get 20 points -- huge improvement. But only middle of the class.

Oh lord, the story Pamela Anderson and Damian came up with is so complicated I'm not sure I can sort it out. I think she's a gypsy flamenco dancer "challenging" a bullfighter over his killing of the bull. It's the animal rights card, and she brought in Charo to teach her the paso doble. Charo -- that famous gypsy dancer! How could you not love this show?

Bruno loves Pamela even when she doesn't dance so well. He loves de passion, I guess. She does have de passion.

Huh, 21 not bad. I hope she doesn't get stuck in the bottom two again so that you know who can be spared.

Oh man, they played the kid and wife card with Aiden Turner -- bringing them into his rehearsal video to help celebrate his brithday. You know, what I think? I think this means Aiden is the "star" who is going to be saying bye-bye this week.

But I am surprised that they played the kid card with someone other than Kate Gosselin first.

Aiden's quick-step was awful. Maybe it's the fact that today is opening day in baseball, but to me, he hopped like a shortstop getting ready to throw across the diamond, not a dancer.

Let's just be frank: Aiden is an airhead. He can learn nothing.

Len ripped him -- and I agree with Len, creepy as he is. Bruno focused on the hopping, too, saying Aiden looked like a kid "skipping."

They got 20 points, though. Still, the soap fans will have to call that vote line to keep daddy/hubby on the show. Maybe they can roll the stroller out again.

Erin Andrews dancing blindfolded -- this show is definitely getting too weird for me. I'm still trying to process the arrival of Charo -- and Pamela Anderson as a gypsy flamenco dancer who loves de bulls.

I won't repeat what Bruno said about blindfolds and handcuffs, but I'll bet he gave voice to what a lot of folks out in TV Land were feeling subliminally -- or not so subliminally.

The audience is booing Len -- because he's being critical or Erin and Maks. Or maybe it's because he's not into blindfolds. Ok, 23 points. Evan and Erin are the class of the field.

More video tears from Kate in the rehearsal tape. Spare me, please. The acting coach they brought in to get Kate to express her emotions is just too much.

Paso doble, "Paparazzi," Lady Gaga. Aiyiyiyiyi. What can I say? I think I am headed for another Monday night in ER. Forget the pinched nerve and frozen arm, can they treat an exploding head?

Carrie Ann blasted Kate and Tony: "It was odd....That was hard to watch....That was very strange." Len savaged it: "Too pedestrian."

Bruno tried to be nice but did I hear a term related to Kate, "(expletive) from hell," that I can't print here?

Kate is asked if "despite the feedback, she is enjoying herself."

They got 15 out of 30 -- that is better than Buzz Aldrin's 13. Sorry folks, but I bet Kate won't go home this week.

And, hey, credit where credit is due: ABC and Kate did NOT play the kids card. Maybe they should have with that wretched performance, though.

You know, what is maddening about Kate? She has not improved one whit. Chad Ochocinco is stung by the judges' insults last week, so he goes to the woodshed and works to get better. But not Kate. She just gets worse week to week -- and keeps sailing along.

Can I watch the basketball game now, mommy?

No David, you know better than that. You must watch Nicole in her cute little sailor suit.

But it's the national championship.

No, you must watch Nicole -- she can actually dance.

Mommy, did anyone ever tell you that you look like the lady on "V" -- the one with the short hair.

Don't change the subject. Watch Nicole.

Ok, here's Nicole Scherzinger and danceboy, Derek. They scored a 10 last week, you know. And now, they quick-step. Oh, Nicole said a naughty word in her rehearsal video. Oh, Nicole's as weepy as Jake.

Wow, but she sure can dance. "On the Town," baby. Just give her the bloody prize now. She's fantastic. The crowd is on its feet and going nuts. And they are right.

Oh no, Len, is trashing them.

But Bruno is invoking Gene Kelly, too. That's nice, but kind of scary, too. It's one thing to have to watch this every week. It's another to find myself on the same wavelength as Bruno. I need help.

They scored 23 despite Len. They should be OK. but I don't think I will.

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