You'll remember that I promised an expert's viewpoint on Mommy's question last week, in which she described an uncomfortable situation with a friend who she felt was too physical in disciplining his child. Our poll on the subject yielded some interesting responses.
Patricia Cronin, executive director of the Family Tree, a local child-abuse prevention organization, wrote the following advice:It is best to support a parent struggling with a child 'in the moment.' Sometimes, a knowing glance from a caring friend can turn a stressful moment into a manageable one. In this case, that didn't happen. But it is NOT too late to impact the life of a 6-year-old boy and salvage the relationship of a college friend. Ideally, it would be best to approach a friend in the next few hours after the trip-when the adults are free of offspring. Remember, your friend is likely embarrassed, shamed and eager for ideas to manage his child. The approach I'd suggest is as follows:
1. Plan to discuss the trip with your friend as soon as possible when the children are not present. Start the conversation with comfortable details about the day…what the children liked best? The drive? Food?
2. If your friend introduces the child's misbehavior, empathize, and acknowledge that you, too, know how difficult it is to parent. Share an example when you were stressed out and your little charmer was having a tantrum.
3. Share your discomfort with his discipline practice. Give him room to admit that he is dissatisfied with his tactics as well. Brainstorm on strategies that might work, like:
--Clarify with the children in advance the plan, rules and who is in charge;
--Anticipate a melt down and pre-plan a snack break;
--If a melt down occurs, make sure the children know that they will be removed from the group;
--If your child is being bossy, assign the little one a special in-charge task of something important, such as holding the ticket receipts for everyone;
--Always hold a pocket full of various small objects to distract any bored little person;
--A soothing CD or a good book is a useful distraction during drive time.
If your pal avoids the topic, please be brave, and introduce the incident yourself. Share your discomfort with how he handled the little boy. Clearing the air now likely will determine the outcome of your ongoing relationship with your college chum. Certainly, the outcome of the discussion will influence your decision to allow your own children to be left under his care. Trust your instincts. If you sense your friend is in denial, let him know how you disagree with his discipline approach. Re-enforce that you have concerns for the child's well being. Suggest that he call his child's pediatrician or school counselor to schedule an appointment and seek assistance. There is no shame in seeking help for complex problems.
If you chose to stay friends with your college pal while he works through these issues, do not leave your children in his care. If going forward you see him harming his child or have reason to believe (scars on body) that the child suffered harsh discipline, call the local department of social services and inform them of your concerns. Children learn primarily through cooperating and imitating. There is no scientific evidence that harsh or physical discipline benefits children at all; indeed, the opposite is true. Harsh discipline practice is associated with a host of negative child outcomes from academic performance to delinquency. For additional information on parenting, please call The Family Tree Stressline at 800.243.7337 or visit our website.