Top Ten menu irritants

He was good enough to provide No. 1.

He was not good enough to provide Nos. 2 through 9, which is unfair because he's unemployed and I'm busy here at work.

I branched out a bit from pure language offenses to generally offensive things on menus -- up to, but not including, the sticky film on the average plastic-coated diner carte.

The list:

No. 1: "Au jus" written as a noun

No. 2: "Fashion forward food" (Milan, Little Italy)

No. 3: Euros (Milan)

No. 4: "Adolescent Lettuces"

These greens drive too fast and ignore their parents but get along fine with the celery root and toasted cumin dressing at Woodberry Kitchen.

No. 5: "[T]he 'r' is silent."

A pronunciation guide pops up unexpectedly in the description of Golden West Cafe's Apple Blueberry Chevre Salad: "Bed of mixed greens topped with thinly sliced granny smith apples, chevre cheese (the 'r' is silent) and rum coriander pecans. in blueberry dijon vinaigrette dressing." So nice to know they're looking out for rubes who might otherwise order the "chev-ray" salad. Crisis averted.

No. 6: No substitutions (Golden West)

No. 7: No split checks (Golden West)

No. 8: EVOO

I'd like to enjoy my beets, goat cheese, mache and extra virgin olive oil at Crush without thinking about oil acronym-er Rachael Ray.

No. 9: "Wild Wolfs Beef Shack"

If this Arbutus eatery really is wild, they need to claim it with an apostrophe.

No. 10: "Ask your Hooters Girl about the soup of the day!"

Better watch how you talk about goat cheese at Golden West Cafe. Sun photo by Doug Kapustin