It's Monday Consult time. Today's question comes from Kathy:
Lately my (just turned) 4 year old has been saying that he is "not normal". When I ask him why he thinks he is not normal, he says it is because he doesn't like to play the same games that other kids in his daycare group like to play. He's a bright kid, with a very vivid imagination, and I think he might be ready to play games that others aren't ready for yet. I don't want him to feel weird or abnormal, but I don't want to stifle him either. It nearly broke my heart the other day when he was playing with cars and I said "Hey, you know, you do too play normal games; playing with cars is very normal" and he perked up and said "Thanks!" like he'd just received a present.
Got any suggestions?
Columbia psychologist Brad Sachs agreed to give Kathy some advice. (If you haven't read his great post for us on how to tell your kids you've been laid off, you must go back and check it out.)
Here's his answer to this one:
Psychologists emphasize the "play is a child's work" and it sounds to me like your son is
working very hard, and very effectively. The fact that he is so creative in his play is definitely
positive, but so is the fact that he is aware and insightful enough to realize that his play is
somewhat different from that of his peers, different enough that he doesn't always feel "normal."
The most important thing for you to do right now is not to reassure him that he's normal, but to validate his uniqueness and to encourage him to continue to become interested in and curious about his own intellect, his "very vivid imagination." If you are not currently joining him in his play, for example, I would certainly make the time to do so, so that you can learn more about what sounds to me like a very rich inner world, and so that you can find ways to reinforce and stimulate it.
I would also attempt to get a clearer sense of what it's like for him to not feel normal. It might be a mistake to assume that he interprets this as completely negative just because he responded positively when you took note of his "normal" play with cars. You could ask him some questions that not only help you to understand what this experience is like for him, but that also could get him thinking about "normality" in a larger, more interesting context:
"What's it like for you when you don't feel normal?"
"What are the best parts of not being exactly like everyone else?"
"What are the hardest parts of not being like everyone else?"
"What do you think the world would be like if everyone were the same?"
"Do you think that you're less lovable if you're not just like everyone else?"
It also might be helpful if you tell him about some of the times when you have not felt "normal"—when you thought or felt or acted differently than others typically might—and what that was like for you and how you handled it. Be sure to refer to experiences that were difficult, as well as those that turned out well for you, experiences that are from your recent as well as from your childhood past. If you can't come up with any on your own, you could illuminate this theme by referring to others, telling him stories about the many extraordinary individuals who were extraordinary precisely because they weren't seen as normal.
Our culture is not particularly kind when it comes to imaginative children—we tend to value conformity over creativity, and yet it is creativity that will ultimately yield the solutions to our most pressing problems. Rather than suggesting to your son that he can or should be more normal, it will be more valuable to nourish and treasure him for who he is—that will not only help him to manage his feelings of not always fitting in, but strengthen his creative spirit and allow him to make better and more gratifying use of it.