Hi everyone. Some of you might know me from the Sun's pet blog, Unleashed. But Sarah thought I might want to guest blog about some other fur things... Donald Trump's hair, for one.
So I'll be your conduit to the new season of "Celebrity Apprentice," which debuted to little fanfare Sunday night.
I'll say upfront that my main, if only, interest in this show was Rod Blagojevich. The cojones it would take to be a disgraced governor, publicly caught on the phone trying to sell a Senate seat ... and then go on a reality show? Priceless. He's competing, he says, because "he's been wronged" and he "is fighting back." Right. Whatever.
Trump quickly announces that it will be boys versus girls. Joining the Governor on the testosterone side are Olympian Michael Johnson, Poison frontman Bret Michaels, Sinbad, Bill Goldberg who is supposedly a wrestler turned actor that I've never heard of, baseball's Darryl Strawberry and hottie chef Curtis Stone.
The ladies have the potty-mouthed Sharon Osbourne, actress Holly Robinson Peete, Olympian Summer Sanders, Victoria Secret model Selita Ebanks, writer/comedian Carol Leifer, wrestling diva Maria Canelles and crazy 80s icon Cyndi Lauper.
The 14 celebrities are all fighting not to be Trump's apprentice, but to win money for their favorite charities. The first contest? Running their own diner. The invent the menu, cook, wait table, promote and whichever team makes the most money at the end of the lunch hour wins.
Men get to pick the women's project manager and vice versa. Both take the strategy of picking the flakiest one they see: The women immediately agree Bret Michaels is their man, Cyndi Lauper is the boys' pick.
Women choose to call their team Tenacity. Men go with the rather icky Rock Solid. Ew?
As the camera cuts to the men making these decisions and planning, it's clear that Blago is odd man out. What does a former dorky governor have to say to these Hollywood types? Nothing, judging from his camera time. Even the other "C" and "D" list celebrities want nothing to do with him.
Blago laughs a little too hard when Bret Michaels makes a joke about being stoned since the 3rd grade....
Sinbad makes a joke about him to his face, saying if Rod called him about selling a Senate seat he would have told Rod to hang up the phone, "Call me from the pay phone, man!" Our boy Rod laughs heartily at this, too.
I'm not going to overly burden you with details of how the two teams planned and ran their diners. Trust me: It wasn't interesting.
Let's suffice to say that Bret Michaels, with almost shocking cleverness, immediately handed the reins to Curtis Stone who has been in the food biz his whole life. Curtis decides that the key is getting some truffle to class up the joint, charging a lot even for hamburgers and inviting every rich person they can think of who'd pay $100 for a burger.
The ladies opt for a less expensive menu.
Trump daughter Ivanka checks in with Tenacity and has my exact reaction when she hears the underwear model is going to do the cooking. She says: "What do you know about burgers? The skinniest girl in the room." Exactly Ivanka. Exactly.
To the camera, Blago says he can't cook. He can only "cook up results for people." Oof.
The men instead make The Gov a waiter. He said, again to the camera, that it's a great way to get reconnected with men and women who "sometimes we take for granted." "In some ways this is just another form of public service," he speechifies.
It seems as if Tenacity has huge crowds, lines around the block, while Rock Solid is barely ringing the register.
At Tenacity, they someone pays $1,000 for burger. Another $1,500 burger. Another $2,500. The men, for all we can see, aren't doing this kind of robust business.
Joan Rivers does spy visits at Trump's request, ordering lunch at each diner. Her favorite will get $10,000 added to their total.
(At 10:10 I realize the show is going for two hours -- till 11. I'm kind of regretting committing to it. Why two hours? Amazing Race can cross hemispheres in one hour -- can't these people make a burger in 60 minutes???)
In Boardroom, Cyndi Lauper has done something bad to her hair. It looks like she stuck her finger in a socket, exploding frizz everywhere.
Joan Rivers, turns out, liked the women better. They get the $10,000.
But somehow the guys still win -- and not by just a little. Hinky editing!
So $100,000 goes to Bret's American Diabetes Association. Which is good since he almost had a diabetic situation right in the diner during the challenge and had to slurp a Coke....
Sexist Trump says girls should have gotten better tips. He wants everyone to tell him who's the weakest link on the team. No one says a word.
Then Holly slyly points the finger at Carol for no apparent reason other than, maybe, she's older and not, in her book, as hot. Carol points the finger right back at Holly, saying didn't get her hands dirty.
Sharon wants to get rid of Carol, too. Says she's too low-key. Not enough team spirit.
Rest hops on the on anti-carol bandwagon now cause it's easy.
And so Trump fires Carol. In her shame (or is it relief?) she gets a 10K donation to the North Shore Animal League on her way out.