Here's Kathryn on tonight's Bachelor:
Reunion shows are rarely shocking or revealing. This one is so-so with a chuckle now and then and some really fabulous sound bites. The show opens with a minute of previews for tonight's episode. I had a feeling that this one minute preview contained the only interesting material and for the most part, I was correct. Although Chris claims that the most memorable women from this season are joining us tonight, it looks like all of the women from this season are present.
I apologize, gentle readers, because I didn't take copious notes during this episode because it just wasn't very interesting or noteworthy. As we watch a clip of Vienna and Jake on their first date I am left wondering, what if Vienna's first one-on-one wasn't the bungee jumping date? As so sadly witnessed in the Speed franchise, relationships based on intense circumstances never last; one minute Jack and Annie are happily making out in the almost blown-up bus, the next minute she's off getting freaky with Officer Alex Shaw. I didn't actually see Speed 2: Cruise Control, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that Sandy B and Jason Patric's characters kiss at least once during that movie. So back to my original point, if Jake had jumped off a bridge with someone else, Ella perhaps, would that have changed things?
Further advancing my argument that this episode should not be two hours, we are treated to a package showing us two Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions. The first one takes place in Las Vegas, the second one is on a cruise ship. Having not watched in years, I only recognize one contestant -- Gwen, from Aaron's season. One woman, Erica, from Lorenzo's season, was particularly funny. We see a clip of her time on the show in which she's being judgemental. Playing to her strengths, she tells us she decided to go to law school so she could be judgemental for her job. Awesome! We then see both groups participating in philanthropic ventures. One group works with kids to paint walls that will eventually end up attached to lifeguard stands on a beach. The kids are adorable. One of the former female contestants asks a little boy if he'd pick her in a rose ceremony and he flat out says no because she's too big, which he later clarifies to mean too old. Kids say the darnedest things!
The other group goes to a food bank to sort and distribute food. Although it's obvious to the kids and to the people receiving food from the food bank that they are on TV, I wonder how many of them are aware that the people being filmed are 'famous' for appearing on a TV dating show. Despite the bravado and requisite swagger, the former contestants are gracious and appear sincerely interested in the volunteer work. We also find out that Chris has access to the giant check making machine because he gives Ellen DeGeneres a check for $10,000. Although I would gladly accept a normal sized check for any amount of money, it's been a secret dream to receive a giant novelty check. I blame this on my parents. When I was little I was the one who always filled out the Publishers Clearing House entries, and every time I would get really disappointed when Ed didn't show up at my door.
So flash back to the women. We find out that Ashleigh H fell into Jake's arms on purpose when she exited the limo. In fact, she practiced it in her hotel room. Love it! We are then treated to various sound bite packages about various women. My two favorite excerpts:
Gia (talking about Tenley): She poops (insert s word) rainbows
Ashleigh H (talking about Vienna): ... the white trash trailer effing whore (yikes!)
So then we get teased with a little talk about Rozlyn. Chris asks the women for some concrete examples of what happened and Jessie confesses that she saw a full-on make-out one day. Ella reveals that Rozlyn told a group of girls if they saw the producer to send him in because she needed to be put to bed, and Gia, Rozlyn's roommate, says Rozlyn often did not sleep in the room.
Cut to Gia on the hot-seat with Chris. First, Gia is wearing this wicked sparkly dress and I want one because I love sparkles! After that, it's typical softball questions. Gia tells us that she fell in love with Jake but she was just too scared to come out and tell him. Based on the double entendre from last week, I was sure Jake would know exactly how Gia felt because she 'showed' him. This interview is ridiculous because there was no point. Everyone knows that Gia loved Jake and that she was heartbroken when she didn't get a rose. What is she supposed to say?
Next up, intense Michelle! I'm a little uncomfortable watching the montage of her more intense moments because it's just really awkward and I feel bad for her. However, Michelle remains very collected and poised throughout her five minutes. At one point Michelle says she doesn't think it's possible to fall in love during a process like the show and then Ali interrupts and says she's offended that Michelle would say that because unlike Michelle, she was able to fall in love and make friends. Vomit. Michelle handles it gracefully and returns with to each her own. At this point I'm agitated because I've just discovered that there's still an entire hour left.
So we move on to Ali. I chuckle as I'm reminded that Ali was the one who brought the peacock feather. Something that is interesting is Ali says that she thought that if what she was feeling was really love that nothing would matter; if she left the show and Jake loved her that it wouldn't matter because they were in love and he'd come for her. I find it interesting because it seems like this love will conquer all attitude is an interesting by-product of our romantic comedy saturated society. I'm a few years older than Ali and it took me a long time to realize that Jake Ryan showing up at the wedding reception to whisk me away in a bitchin' sports car wasn't really normal. I'm wondering how the constant exposure to 'happy' endings skews the ability to have a normal and healthy relationship. We see everything leading up to the kiss but what about the day after? Now we know. Ali chose her job and now she's single and nursing a broken heart. Ali scores some points because she admits that she was really mean to Vienna and asks that everyone be nicer to Vienna because Vienna is getting trashed (apparently not always warranted) in the tabloids. Of course, Ali leaves the hot seat without explaining why she was suddenly forced to choose her job or love. This is where I cry foul. Again, prior to filming I'm sure each contestant was made aware of the maximum possible time commitment. At that point she should have quite the job or received permission to be gone the whole time. I realize that the economy isn't stable in all areas of the country, but it's not like she didn't know she'd be gone for a while.
Cue dramatic music, enter Rozlyn! The Rozlyn segment is really weird and kind of creepy. First, Rozlyn tries to come across as playful and carefree. The audience isn't buying it. In fact, as Rozlyn walks on stage the camera pans to the audience and we see two women looking scandalized. Although an overly dramatic reaction, it makes me laugh. Throughout the interview, Rozlyn maintains that she never had any physical contact with the producer. I get kind of creeped out because her story is so outrageous and ever changing but she sticks to it with such conviction that I'm just left with an icky feeling. I wasn't there so I cannot say for sure that anything happened. However, in a civil suit the burden of proof is usually a preponderance of evidence rather than beyond a reasonable doubt. In this case, Rozlyn's version of events does not seem more likely than the version depicted by the other contestants and Chris. At one point Chris delivers a parenting smack-down when he likens Rozlyn's story to when his son tells elaborate stories about unicorns and magicians. When confronting Jesse's allegations of stair case make out, Rozlyn invokes 'On my child's life' and the audience actually gasps and then boos. At this point, I'm dying to see a picture of the producer in questions. I'm curious. When Chris is describing the producer as a beloved member of the team, Rozlyn lobs a grenade and says the producer told her that Chris had hit on his wife. Oh snap! I feel like I've heard rumors about Chris being a flirt too. Burn! I found the whole episode creepy because it's really weird to watch someone so adamantly deny what appears to be a fact. I'm creeped out because the ability to tenaciously hang on to a story like Rozlyn's implies that she is a world class liar. Very disturbing to see her in action. Chris wishes Rozlyn well and she leaves.
Jake trots out. Feel free to call me pedestrian but Jake's blue shirt, black jacket combo is visually appealing in the way that someones snotty tissue is visually appealing; meaning not at all. Chris asks Jake how he feels seeing everyone, especially Gia and Ali. Shocker, he says that it's hard because both women are so beautiful and wonderful. Boring. We get a gag reel and it's kind of funny. The show closes with recaps of how Vienna and Tenley's relationship with Jake played out. Boring.
So nothing juicy revealed. We still don't know why Ali had to choose her job or Jake and we still don't know exactly what happened between Rozlyn and the producer. I am left with more questions than when the episode. Although I didn't think that Ashleigh H was a good match for Jake, I am reminded of how silly and funny she was and how she was always good for some comic relief. Next week the women meet Jake's family and then he picks ... or does he? Stay tuned to find out, America!