Cut to a talking head of Logan, who says he's impressed with and proud of Carol Hannah. He comes over and gives her a hug, which gets him an evil look from Althea and Irina. You know what? It seems obvious at this point that Logan is Jake Ryan from 16 Candles and Carol Hannah is Samantha. If only John Hughes had lived to see this play out in real life.
Gordana is barking at Irina like she's a military general tasked with crushing a revolution, and Irina is her first lieutenant, which is odd considering it's the other way around. "You have to finishing everything today," Gordana says. "You must!"
Carol Hannah is fighting off the flu like Michael Jordan in the 1997 NBA Finals, and Christopher is playing the role of Scottie Pippen as she cries into his arms. I wonder if in her dehydrated state if she thinks she's really hugging Logan.
It's time for a hair and make-up session with Collier Strong. Carol Hannah tells him her looks were inspired by gothic architecture and fairy tales, and I think we all know what that's code for -- make 'em look like Bella from Twilight, y'all. Now that I think about it, Strong looks like he could have been a vampire in a different era -- like the Buffy the Vampire Slayer era -- back when vampires were badasses instead of moody emo teens who wrote poetry and tried to work up the courage to hold your hand.
It looks to me like Irina is putting the finishing touches on a giant bear suit. Seriously, it reminds me of what Han Solo wore when he went marching into the sub-zero temps on Hoth to save Luke Skywalker after his speeder crashed. If one of her models tries to cut open Michael Kors with her light saber so she can crawl her skinny butt inside his guts for warmth, I'm going to be so pissed.
Tim enters the workroom wearing a stunning fuchsia tie and a stern look on his face. He wants to remind Irina that she's taking a real risk with her all-black collection, which looks like Phantom of the Opera crossed with the Road Warrior.
Minutes later, Althea is showing Tim an outfit with pointy shoulder pads that I'm pretty certain was inspired by the Michael Jackson movie Captin EO. (I saw it at Epcot Center in Disney World when I was in the third grade -- in 3D no less -- and I swear to God, it was like giving a 10-year-old LSD.)
But wait a minute: Althea is explaining the make-up she wants to give her models when Tim mentions that it sounds a bit too much like what Irina's doing. Irina rolls her eyes (of course she does) and then adds "That's Althea!" under her breath, which is pretty rich considering the judges had to zing her in last week's episode for fashion plagiarism. Somewhere in his parents' basement in Virginia, disgraced former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair is sitting around watching this in his underwear and wondering why he can't be a guest judge if this kind of hypocrisy is going to be condoned. (And yet, somehow, he'd still be as qualified as Lindsay Lohan.)
Tim asks Althea if there is "anything else you're getting concerned about?" and Althea bursts into tears.
I bet in the next shot, she belted out, "Yeah, I'm concerned Irina might stab me with a pair of scissors!" but the producers edited it out.
The next morning, Carol Hannah says she feels a little better, and that she doesn't think she's going to die after all. Irina and Althea seem a little disappointed, and it gets me thinking: Wouldn't it be awesome to have an all-star season of previously bitchy Project Runway designers? Tell me you wouldn't love to see Irina talk smack about Santino and Kenley while occasionally making out with Jeffery?
Yo, models in the house! They begin their final fittings by dancing around in their underwear. (Ladies, must you throw yourselves at Logan like this?) I've mostly refrained from commenting on the models because I mostly like to pretend that their half-hour show, Models of the Runway, never happened. But let me just say that if Carol Hannah wins this thing, someone is going to need to explain it to her model, Lisa, like five times using flash cards and hand signals because I'm convinced Lisa would lose in a game of Scrabble to one of the workroom sewing machines. She is that dumb. She makes Carrie Prejean look like the president of the MENSA celibacy club.
Gordana is still having flashbacks to dictators of yesterday. "I know you see me with coffee, hon. But I working, trust me!" she tells Irina.
Tim gathers everyone around. He has a special announcement. "Do you know what's about to happen?"
Everyone is silent. It pops into my head that Tim might announce that he's going to take everyone to a Knicks game. Oh, the horror, the horror.
"Tomorrow you're going to be showing at Bryant Park!" Tim squeals, and all the ladies squeal with him.
One more time, with feeling! Happy working song! Happy working song! Let's all sing a happy working song!
Cut to the next day. It's 3:14 a.m., according to the Hyatt digital clock next to someone's bed. Seriously, who knew that Carol Hannah and Althea had to get up this early to put on all that eye make-up? I mean, it makes sense, but damn.
Everyone is ready to take on the world! Except ... Irina can't open the door. It won't budge. I briefly wonder if the real twist this season is that Heidi has turned this into Saw VII, and the three of them are going to have to cut off one of their own limbs to make it out of the hotel room. (No wonder Nina and Michael wanted no part of this season! Jigsaw was obviously involved.) But, my fears are quickly put to rest when it turns out you just have to pull the door open, not push it. It seems Irina is a graduate of Gary Larson's School for the Gifted.
Cut to backstage at Bryant Park, where Tim is slowly losing his mind. None of the designers is ready, or even close to being ready. He is indignant. For the first time ever, I wonder if he might slap someone.
"This is crazy! We've got to go! We should be lining up!" he exclaims.
I feel so bad for Tim because he's one of the few people on this show whose standards never waver. I'm afraid he's about to snap like Michael Douglass in Falling Down. If that does go down, and there is a fashion God, you just know that Kenley Collins and Victorya Hong have to stumble into the crossfire.