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I, guest blogger Carla, wasn't able to watch "Project Runway," last night, so we have sports reporter Kevin Van Valkenburg pinch hitting. Thanks Kevin! Kevin brings the funny. And his recap is gooood! Read on.

Welcome to Week 4 of Project Runway! I'm Kevin Van Valkenburg, and I'll be guest blogging this week, recounting each one of Heidi's cold German death stares.

Although Mitchell's departure last week was probably the most justified auf Wiedersehen in the history of the show -- just to recap, the man couldn't actually sew, which would be like admitting you can't ride a bike, but entering the Tour de France -- but Mitchell's buffoonery and general incompetence was a source of excellent comedy. I was really hopeful that Fatma, who is playing the role of Angry Model this year, would backhand him and make him cry at some point. But I guess that scenario will just have to exist in my dreams.

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The show begins with Epperson admitting that working with Qristyl was "hard on her, and hard on me." I feel you, Epperson. Just typing Qristyl's name has been difficult on me. If Qristyl's name were a word in Scrabble, there is no way it would go unchallenged. Qristyl tells her roomies that everyone is going to think she's a b---- and they try to pretend that's not the case, even though it kind of is. There's nothing wrong with being one on this show, of course. Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are the biggest on the show, but they're also the best characters. But you have to have talent to back it up. Does Qristyl? I'm skeptical.

Cut to the runway, where Heidi is wearing some kind of leopard print and gold chains. On anyone else, this would like ridiculous, but Heidi looks stunning. If someone told me she killed a leopard herself, handed it to a designer and demanded some one make her a blouse, I'd believe it at this point. She's essentially the LeBron James of supermodels, if LeBron James spoke broken, emotionless, sarcastic English. She has no equal. She informs our designers that the challenge this week will be designing for 13 women in the workroom who "know exactly what they want."

"All we know is that there are 13 people. It could be anybody! I could be homeless people, it could be Eskimos, anybody," says Nicolas.

Eskimos? Todd Palin was half-Eskimo, correct? If we go back in the workroom and the entire Palin family is standing there, and the designers have to make snow machine outfits for them, I'm going to immediately declare this the Greatest Project Runway

ever

.

Alas, it's the rehashed, but always entertaining, challenge during which the models get to come up with a concept and the designers have to go along with it. It's always an interesting challenge because not only are models often kind of dumb, they're almost always suffering from a case of arrested development where they want dresses that they can imagine putting on their Barbies when they were 11 years old. Someone has been telling them how to dress for the most formative years of their lives, so they are essentially children when it comes to their own aesthetic. It's the last time they can remember making decisions for themselves.

Tim Gunn is wearing a fabulous pink shirt with a pink tie, and even though Regis Philbin did his best to ruin that look years ago during "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" if anyone can bring it back, it's Tim Gunn.

Johnny feels like this challenge is going to be easy because he and his model have a similar aesthetic and vibe. "It's like designing for myself if I was a black girl," he says, wondering if this is an appropriate thing to say even as it comes out of his mouth.

Epperson's model sounds like she's auditioning for the role of "moron graduate student" in the next Weinstein Bros. production as she rattles off a list of things she wants. "Simple but interesting. Sexy but not too much. Show my body but not too much. Not too big but I want it tight."

Louise and Fatma are politely discussing whether or not Fatma can wear a red dress to an industry party, with Louise telling us in the talking head that it would be better if Fatma wore black and gold, even though we all know that Fatma terrifies Louise and will get whatever she wants regardless.

Althea seems like she actually knows what she's doing, and she and her model are in agreement on a three-piece concept, but poor Shirin -- who I'd just like to point out is prettier than any of the models -- learns that her model, Ebony, wants to be dressed like she's just been cast in a Pam Grier film from 1974. She wants a satin, royal blue and gold jumpsuit.

Lastly, Logan seems to be a bit uncomfortable with the fact that his model, Koji, just so happens to believe she's going to be attending a goth prom. Poor Logan. It seems like he's one of the most talented designers here, so if he goes home because his model wanted an emo version of the Little Mermaid, I'm going to be mad.

Cut to Mood, where the waves of panic always make it seem like everyone took a hit of Johnny's crystal meth. (Or perhaps in this case, Qristyl meth.) Seriously, do people actually work at Mood? Because there always seems to be one guy at the register and no one else. Epperson spends half his time looking for orange when it seems like that's the kind of thing an employee could say, "Ugly orange fabric? Yeah, I think we have that in aisle seven."

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Happy working song, happy working song! (You know who would be great guest judge? Amy Adams. It would almost make up for the embarrassment of Lindsay Lohan three weeks ago. I think I still have a rash just from watching that episode.) Tim arrives to tell Althea that her outfit looks like it has a real "wow factor potential." He's a little confused when she says she's making a "cigarette jacket," and it's a good thing Koji isn't around or I would bet she'd demand Logan whip up a "cigarette jacket" to go with her emo prom dress. Christopher admits he think Tim is going to say his green dress "looks like a salad," and he does a decent Tim Gunn voice, but it only makes me miss Santino Rice's Tim voice and wonder if Andre and Tim ever did have that date at Red Lobster.

Qristyl shows Tim her wrinkled dress and Tim tells her it looks like her model had been rolling around it bed all day. I'd say that's a kind assessment. It looks like a model pulled it out of her gym bag. Logan shows Tim his design, which Logan worries looks like a "Smurf prom dress," and Tim agrees. You have to think a Smurf prom would be, like, the worst prom ever since there was only one woman in all of Smurf village and only one gay Smurf to design outfits for everyone.

Epperson has a tearful phone call with his wife and kids that actually makes me a little sad. Not as sad as Qristyl is going to be, however, if she sends a plain black dress down the runway. Good lord, don't these designers watch the previous seasons? If Nina Garcia sees a plain black dress made on the runway, she's like a shark smelling blood in the water. Shirin's model seems disappointed her Pam Grier jumpsuit concept has been abandoned for something with a bit less shazam, and Shirin politely explains in her talking head that models don't understand construction, so the hell with 'em. At least that's how I read it.

Morning comes, and Johnny is eating pancakes or danishes. Logan is wearing silver pants and silver shoes to distract Heidi from the emo prom, almost like he's employing a Jedi mind trick. This might actually work, now that I think about it. Heidi does seem to be distracted by bright colors before her brain's operating system reboots. During the night, someone seems to have stolen all of Qristyl's clothes, forcing her to fashion herself a blouse out of the curtains, since that's the only reason I can imagine why she would wear what she's wearing.

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Models and make-up. Althea's outfit seems like a home run or a strike out to me. Her model, Tanisha, has ... (how do I put this?) ... big enough breasts that I think they need a little more support. Irina seems to agree, telling us "I think Althea's looks like crap. It would have looked nicer if she stapled it together." God bless the cattiness of the fashion industry, people. Althea seems to feel that breasts are a team concept though, because she's wearing a skin-tight white tank top that has her own assets on prominent display.

Runway show. Heidi is wearing hoop earrings so large it looks like she stole them from the circus. Perhaps the leopard she killed used to jump through them. I can't speculate further. We meet the judges and ... CURSES! No Michael Kors and no Nina Garcia? I feel like a teenager who went to see Hannah Montana and got some second-rate Disney act instead. Marc Bouwer (designer), Zoe Glassner (editor for Marie Claire magazine), Jennifer Rade (stylist) try to fill the enormous void in my heart.

Nicholas tells us he thinks he's going to win, which only makes me hate him and his ridiculous haircut more. Gordana sends an fairly boring but well-made dress down the runway. Logan's emo prom dress is as bad as I suspected. I sort of like

. Epperson's tears manage to create art, as I'm pretty impressed with his

. I'm still a little baffled by

and why it appears to be getting so much love from the judges.

Louise, Irina, Nicholas, Gordana, Shirin and Ra'mon are all safe, if unspectacular. Carol Hannah, as she's getting praise for what I think is a weird color combination, uses the phrase "y'all" to describe the judges, which they think is cute in a "you'll never win this competition" kind of way. For some reason, Epperson's dress leads to a running commentary on Heidi's Hall of Fame boobs, which even Marc Bouwer seems to be in awe of. (Gasp! Is Marc secretly straight?) Speaking of boobs, Althea and Team Breasts look like the front-runners, which I still don't quite understand. No one likes Logan's dress. All the judges throw out the dreaded word "prom," and all of Smurfs Village quietly weeps for Logan. Johnny's dress has an even cruel word thrown at it: bridesmaid.

gets shredded as boring and old. Jen Rade gets in the line of the night when Qristyl's model Valerie says she likes the dress.

"That's why Valerie's not a designer," Rade says. "Thank god."

Althea emerges as the victor, and goes bouncing (literally) into the other room to celebrate. Qristyl and Logan are in the bottom two, but Logan's silver pants and shoes help him survive, sending Qristyl and her strange vowel arrangements up the the workroom to clean up her stuff.

Auf Wiedersehen, baby.

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