Note: No endangered species or mythological creatures were harmed, nor did any cannibalism occur while writing this.
Here are this week's picks:
Giants vs. Buccaneers – Barbecued giant ribs beat scurvy pirate. Think of the ribs that toppled Fred Flintstone's car. Yabba dabba delicious.
Falcons vs. Patriots – Nothing like falcon chowder with leeks and shiitake mushrooms and a Sam Adams on a crisp autumn day.
Titans vs. Jets – You can't eat a jet.
Chiefs vs. Eagles – Let's say it's farm-raised eagle. What could be more American? Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national symbol. Would we have stopped eating turkey? No way. Fry like an eagle.
Packers vs. Rams – Hearty ram stew with parsnips and Guinness. Sláinte!
49ers vs. Vikings – Uh oh, the inevitable cannibalistic cook-off. Grizzled prospector versus well-fed Viking? By Thor's Hammer there is no question! Shots of aquavit all around. Skål.
Jaguars vs. Texans – Mayans revered the jaguar as a god who could cross between the worlds of the living and dead. Marinate overnight in a habanero tequila sauce. ¡Olé!
Browns vs. Ravens – Crispy cracklin' raven beats mangy mutt. Toss in wing sauce and quaff some Clipper City Gold Ales.
Bears vs. Seahawks – Bear is delicious, especially baby bear. Wash it down with a Gentle Ben: Bärenjäger, vodka and purple Drank. Prepare to hibernate until half-time.
Saints vs. Buffalo – Mmm ... wood-smoked Inquisition-style saints? I'm intrigued, but no, no ... buffalo burgers!
Dolphins vs. Chargers – I don't know what dolphin tastes like, but if people are banned from fishing it, someone thinks it's tasty. Can I get mine with foie gras?
Panthers vs. Cowboys – Are you ready for some ... grilled ... panther? Wash down your big cat grub with Clipper City Loose Cannons and crank up Pantera.
Steelers vs. Bengals – Tiger trumps grimy steel worker. Marinate in curry for kabobs, chug some IPA's, and blast "Eye of the Tiger."
Broncos vs. Raiders – Slow-cooked pulled-horse barbecue with Mickey's big mouths. Giddy-up.
Redskins vs. Lions – Bacon-wrapped lion fillets. It's the circle of life. Deal with it, Simba.
Colts vs. Cardinals – Ribs ribs ribs! Perilous because the ghost of Robert Irsay might steal it from your refrigerator in the middle of the night before the game. Down a bucket of spiteful Natty Bohs. Irsay!!!